Things will never be the same

Yesterday was a very difficult day. I can’t even begin to describe the feelings of anxiety that sometimes overcome me. I had a meeting to attend yesterday for work, which was actually my first meeting back in the business world since Christy died. I want to tell you, it almost took me out. My legs were shaking, my breathing was difficult, but I knew I needed to push through this. Well, after praying and being greeted positively almost immediately after getting out of my car, I began to feel more relaxed. By the time, the meeting started I was feeling fine and able to contribute. I’m so thankful I didn’t back down on attending. I knew in my heart that God would provide all I needed to overcome this obstacle and he did! Now, I can’t say that I’m ready to jump fully back in to the work world, but I’m feeling much better about it all.

Today is a new day and I am feeling pretty good and a bit normal today. I am thankful for this victory. I am truly taking life one day at a time, trying to find my new normal as my life is not the same and never will be. I have experienced a heart change in my view of life and relationships. I am certainly more sensitive and emotional in so far as my relationships with friends and family, but I can’t quite wrap my mind around what exactly I’m feeling or what to do with it. I do know that overall it is good and today I am hopeful of the plans God has for me. This journey has been difficult, but this is the day the Lord has made and I’m still here, so I will rejoice as best I can and do the best I can with where I am.

Blessings,

Doug

Me and Isabella Joy

Me and Christy Joy

I had the song “When I die” by Blood, Sweat & Tears sticking in my head  for the last couple of weeks. The chorus is “and when I die, when I’m dead and gone, there will be one child born in our world to carry on, to carry on”. As Christy Joy has left this earth and Isabella Joy is now here, these words seem quite fitting. I’ve experienced both the beauty of death and the beauty of life in a very short period of time. And yes, I did say beauty of death. Christy Joy was so much a part of me and so deeply connected that I was able to share in the most intimate of life’s experiences, the transistion from this world to the next. Christy’s birth into heaven. I can truly say, without reservation, that it was the most difficult, painful, yet most beautiful event I have ever been privledged to experience. My love for Christy and the love that surrounded us, was so intense and so beautiful. Words cannot describe it. I have been changed forever by it.

Today, as I look at the pictures of my new grandbaby, I am seeing beauty from the beginning of the spectrum of life. To witness the miracle of a new life, just takes my breathe away. I see the pain my daughter went through to carry and bring this new life into this world and it was difficult for all who love her, but the beauty is so undeniable.

Pain and beauty are so closely connected. I really hate it! But, I can’t see how beauty can be fully appreciated without the pain. I feel like life has hit me hard, but life is also revealing a new page that is quite extraordinary and beautiful. This gives me hope and the courage to go on. To love and to live. To seek life. For life is indeed beautiful!

Blessings,

Doug

I’ve really struggled with this at times. I am so not use to living in my house without Christy. Every room, every turn, I’m reminded of her. We bought our house in 1993 and have made many improvements over the years, so this is our house. I love that, but it is also hard when I get that sinking feeling inside. I want her to be here with me so strongly, not just in memory or in my heart, but physically here. I want to hold her and feel her touch and hear her voice. I miss my honey.

Now, I must say, it has gotten a bit easier. I am leaning hard into the grieving; not trying to avoid the memories which elicit the feelings and it is helping. When I run, I think of Christy. When I play my guitar, I think of Christy. When I pray, I think of Christy. We had a night of worship at our church last night and I really felt connected to her. It was hard, yet beautiful at the same time. I love it that even now, when we are not physically together, our hearts are still so strongly bonded. My longings are indeed quite deep.

I am lonely, but I am not alone. I feel her presence. I feel God’s presence. Lately, I have been feeling a calming peace that is unexplainable and it comes just when I need it most. I have hurt so bad at times, but have found if I just let it happen and not try to ignore the feeling, that is when the peace will come. For the past 20 years, I have sought to put my full hope is the things of God. I have experienced love in such a profound and ever renewing, ever deepening way. I have read the words of peace, spoken through the words of Jesus and the disciples, but it is just now that I am truly experiencing this peace.   And damn, if it is not right smack in the middle of the most crushing blow in my life! I surely would not have chosen to lose Christy to find true peace, but there it is. The things of God are so unexplainable and uncontainable. I am lonely, but I am not alone! Thank you Jesus!

Blessings,

Doug

Yesterday was such an emotional day. It was my granddaughter Trinity’s 6^th birthday. I wanted to get her a present and wasn’t sure what to get and then an idea popped in my head…I found a great picture of Trinity sitting in Christy’s lap. I did a bit of editing and took it to Sam’s Club and printed out an 8×10, framed and wrapped it. I wasn’t prepared for the emotion that erupted when she opened it. I knew she loved it. I couldn’t stay in the room as my tears were flowing and my heart aching. She later told everyone, it was the best present she received. Later that evening, Trinity’s heart was hurting and she was crying for her Nana. It really broke my heart. I was able to hold her and cry with her. It was so hard, yet so meaningful and so beautiful. I’ve never felt closer to her or loved her more.

I believe and feel such a change in my heart. I have never loved so deeply. I feel so connected to so many on such a very deep level. I see the seeds of love sewn in my marriage with Christy, growing into something even more beautiful! I do sense and see evidence of just that every day, not just in me, but in so many around me. In those I see and in many more I don’t see.

There is a greater story that we are a part of. It is the greatest story ever told. A love story of which we each can share in the realization that we are the objects of this amazing, pursuant love….for God so loved the world….this is truly amazing! An adventure like no other, I want to experience the fullness of this great adventure and be fully alive! What will today hold?

Blessings,                                                 

Doug

Today the sun did shine and life continued, but at times I felt I was not there. I am doing many positive things to get in and through my grief, but I am surprised by thoughts and emotions almost daily. Last night I really wanted to call Christy. I felt very empty at that point. Today, I felt the same emptiness when I thought of spending Friday night at home without her. Overall, I feel I’m doing fairly well, but I also feel that I’m just scratching the surface of some very difficult days ahead.

I went to a grief support group for widows and widowers on Thursday and had the feeling of being quite lost. I’m not sure why, but I actually felt sad after leaving there. I am not sure I will try that particular group again, but may try a different one.

I’m playing the guitar, running daily, reading several different books, writing and doing a lot of praying. These activities along with the support of all of you are giving me hope for life. I so want to not be in pain, but I don’t think that will ever be my reality. My goal is not to let the pain control me. I am determined to not let the pain take me out. I will continue to share my heart and emotions so that light can have dominance. For darkness cannot exist in light.

Am I sad? Yes. Am I hopeful? Yes! This is my reality today and it’s OK. I will love and encourage myself and others today as much as I am capable. I will be OK with where I am today. Life is hard, but life is good! Life and every breath is truly a gift from God and I am thankful.

Blessings,

Doug

Today I am choosing to live. Life is indeed a gift and blessing from God. In living, I am choosing to love, it is a risk, as pain is usually not far from love, but it is so worth the risk. As the heartache of losing my wife and best friend has changed my life completely, I am choosing to love in order to live. Somehow, someway I will love and live. Christy loved big in life. She loved people. She loved the underdogs and she loved me for me, not a perfect me, just me. Out of that love, I grew to be able to love myself and then love Christy with an authentic love. I experienced a love that has so changed me. I love people. I am consumed by it. I can’t help it. I don’t understand it. I don’t want to change it. I see how hurt people are and my heart breaks for them. People hurt and I hurt. I guess that is the connection. I will love and I will live. I choose to love and thus, I choose to live. If I love, I am free. Cancer will not win, despair will not win, anger will not win. LOVE WINS! For God so loved the world….I feel that love flowing in me. I can’t stop it. I don’t want to stop it. I am hurt and I am wounded, but I have to love. Thank you Jesus!

Doug

Today is 3 weeks since Christy Joy’s spirit left this world. It has been such a strange time for me and I know for many others. I am just really able to begin grieving the loss of my soul mate and it is really breaking my heart at times. Remembering is key to me as I don’t want to lose any memories of our time together. Christy and I had such a blessed life together on this earth and I want to remember our special relationship always. So, I have begun writing down my thoughts, my feelings, examining what I’ve lost. I am using a journal called an “Angel Catcher”. It is difficult, but it is helping. I also hope to write more on a daily basis. I find writing to be very healing. I hope to eventually share much of what I write.

 This has been the most difficult time of my life. I feel like I’ve been living in a fog for the past 3 weeks.  I feel very lost at times. But, I am beginning to sense a bit of light shining through. I know I mentioned being in “the void” where one door has closed and I am now waiting in the dark hallway waiting for God to open the next door. Well, maybe I can sense a crack in a new door will soon be visible. I have pain, I am sad, but I also have hope. I can’t explain the hope, but I know it is there deep in my soul. I know deep in my soul that God is there and he has me firmly in his grasp. I can’t control, manipulate or rid myself of this hope as it is way beyond my human capacity. I know this to be the essence of God and it is not just words or head knowledge. It is that I know what I know what I know. Knowing is such an intimate word. Knowing God is intimate, beautiful and beyond our description. Thank you Lord! I could never do this without you! My hope is you!

 I want to continue to share my heart with you through this difficult time as it helps me heal and I sense it could help others find strength and hope in difficult times. I love you all and I do know I am loved by so many. Thank You!

Blessings,

Doug

Greetings,

I just wanted to share a bit on life without my best friend. It has been almost 2 weeks now since Christy left this life. It has indeed been a very strange time for me with emotions all over the place. I have leaned hard on friends and family, which has helped me tremendously to get through some of the really tough emotional days. But, I know I must face being alone and be OK with it. It isn’t easy, I don’t like being alone. I miss Christy so much, but it is getting just a bit easier each day. I am doing my best to keep my eyes on Jesus through this difficult transition. I do get angry, sad and frustrated, but I will keep looking for positives in these moments. I know God has great plans for me.

Since I first put my full trust in God some 20+ years ago, my life has been such a blessing. I have been through much in my life to include some very painful experiences, but I truly can say that God has never deserted me in my time of need. Even before I even acknowledged him, I can look back and see where he has sovereignly been working in my life since childhood. So, I am confident in what I can’t see and what I can’t feel right now (clear direction and total peace). I am standing in the void, waiting, as God is preparing me to see and walk through the door to the next chapter of my journey.  By the way, I love the word “journey”. I have a framed representation of this word along with the words of Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord always…He will direct your paths.” Life is definitely a journey!

I continue to pray that the lives of everyone who was touched through the prayers and actions of my beloved wife Christy will be fearless in pursuit of their own God journey. Please continue to pray for me and my family.

Love and peace to all of you!

Doug

Greetings!

Now that things have settled down, I have some time to reflect on the past week or so. All I can say tonight is Whew….This has been such an emotional and exhausting time. I have never experienced anything that has worn on me more and I know I am just beginning the next leg of this journey. I feel God is holding me close through all your prayers, but I know it is not going to be easy. Christy was my best friend. We did everything together. So, I definitely have a large adjustment to make.

I can tell you that I never imagined the love I felt for Christy was even possible. In her last week, I felt closer to her than I ever had. As I held her, read to her, prayed with her and sang to her, I loved her so very, very deeply. She couldn’t open her eyes or talk or show any response, but I just loved her more and more. When she took her last breath, I was relieved for her, but my heart felt like it would stop. My life would never be the same.

At the viewing, I experienced an incredible peace. I hugged and spoke with so many who Christy had inpacted during her lifetime. What amazed me the most was the impact she had and is making in her sickness and passing. People’s hearts have been changed. Family and friends alike are finding healing through the love of Jesus exhibited in the life of Christy Joy Ellis! God has and is working hugely through her beautiful story of love. Yes love, LOVE has indeed won!

At one point on Monday after quite a few people had come through, I couldn’t help but notice the joyful atmosphere. As I was being consoled by so many, I thought of Christy as she was being welcomed in heaven. What a beautiful time that must be! We can only imagine, but our imaginations can’t even begin to capture the beauty and excitement of that experience. WOW!!!

Writing this entry helps me, but I can tell you honestly that my heart aches. I miss my girl terribly. I promise all of you though, that I will choose life and I will choose legitimate and postive outlets for my grief. I thank all of you for your prayers and support. I know you are holding me and my family close.

Love to all,

Doug

Today has been a strange sort of day. Waking up without Christy is going to take some getting used to. I know though that God will provide what my broken heart will need. I am trying to keep my eyes on Jesus as I know in my soul that is where I will find peace, hope and assurance of the love of God. It just really hurts right now. Please continue to pray for our family as we will need all of you to help us get through to the other side of our grief.

We made the arrangements for family and friends as follows:

  Viewing: Monday, Feb 22 from 5:00-9:00 P.M. Gephart Schmidt Parramore Funeral home in Miamisburg.
  
  Celebration service: Tuesday, Feb 23 from 3:00 – ?? Apex Community Church, 5200 Far Hills Ave. Kettering

Please come and share in Christy’s passion for Jesus as we celebrate her beautiful life that we were so blessed to be a part of. 

Love you all,

Doug