Things will never be the same

Today is a new day and I will do my best to let it be what it will be. I will look for the beauty in all things. I will love people and give them space to be where they are, even when that comes out in the form of actions that tend to really annoy me! Just as many people I will encounter today (whether in the grocery, in my car on the road or anyplace else) don’t know me or what I am feeling or what I am going through, I also don’t know their story. Today, I am resolved to try and love and not be quick to dismiss them or negatively catagorize them.

I have been back to work full time for the last week or so. So far, so good. I feel as if this is a positive step for me as it is giving me confidence in myself that I can do the normal activities of life. My biggest fear with this is that I will become consumed with work (or it consumes me) and not do the things that have brought me healing thus far. I must continue to make the time to  read, write, play my guitars, run, ride my bike, share with trusted friends and especially grieve. As much as I want to find normality, I must let the process happen as it needs to happen, no shortcuts, no deadlines.

Life is beautiful and a gift that should never be taken for granted. I have experienced beauty in the midst of great pain and I am fully understanding that life is hard and full of pain and suffering. Yet,  there is such beauty to be grasped in the face of  pain and suffering. But, we must choose to embrace it and accept it and be willing to fight the ensuing battles against the forces that seek to destroy our hearts and thus, free our hearts to see and feel the beauty of life. Today, I am choosing to fight for life and beauty!

Blessings,

Doug

Beauty from heaven!

I must say that life is hard. I am fighting a constant pain, a constant hurt deep in my soul. Combine this with life and the pursuit of happiness (or whatever the people I encounter daily are pursuing) and emotions can really get to me at times. Usually the emotions come quite unexpected. After a beautiful day driving in the country this past Monday, a rather rude driver evoked some pretty strong anger from me. Just last week, mowing the grass, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with sorrow and started crying. I am learning this is normal in the greiving process and I am also finding that in the pain and through the release of emotions I am finding so much about who God created me to be. I am finding that I am so much stronger than I ever imagined.

This newfound strength is convincing me that  I am so loved, so supported, so incredibly gifted with a heart capable of such great love. I am finding I am a giver. A giver of hope, life and love. I am capable of giving love on such an incredible, indescribable level. I want to give. I want to provide hope to the hopeless, love to the unloved. This is why I am here. This is why I have survived such great loss. This is my purpose and my driving force. Surrendered to the love that has so wrapped my wounded heart!

I am hoping to find peace today. I am hoping to find joy today. I am hoping to find purpose today. I am loved and I can love. I will choose to love today. If I remain diligent in this pursuit, I will find those things I am hoping for. These are words of life. Today, I choose life!

Christy girl, I miss you so much, yet I am alive. I feel your love for me so very deeply. I thank God so very much for the time we had together. The time apart hurts, but I know I will see you again in heaven. Today the sun came up and I opened my eyes and I am still here. So, I will choose to live and to love! Oh, and thanks for the hawks!

Blessings,

Doug

Yesterday was the 3 month mark of Christy’s transistion from this world to the next. Seems like so much longer, but at times it seems like just yesterday. I can still feel her close to me. I can sense her warmth, her scent, the smoothness of her skin. She is still so much a part of me. I miss you Christy! I love you forever!

This past Sunday, a memorial service was held at Hospice of Dayton to honor those who have passed in the last 3 months. I was so moved by the beauty of the flowers, the words spoken and the collective hearts of all of us grieving the loss of our loved ones.  I placed a yellow rose in the vase at the front and shared in the microphone the name of my beloved wife, “Christy Joy Ellis”. I am so blessed to have had such a beautiful gift from God.

Last evening I went to a different widow/widowers group at Pathways of Hope. I felt like I was really ready this time and found the group of people to be very loving with all of us needing love and guidance through our hurt. I felt very comfortable with this group and the counselor. I will definitely go back.

I’m still trying to figure out life at this point. I’m  reading, writing, running, biking, playing my guitars. I am slowly getting back to working again. At times, it is hard to find motivation, but it always seems to come. I am seeking God with an open heart and mind, which is, so far, showing me an incredible love that is not only sustaining me, but lighting up my heart. I do feel sad, anxious and even depressed to some degree, but I also feel joy and peace working their way into my heart. Today, I am choosing to live and to love. I am trusting that God has his best ready for me, even when I can’t see through the tears. I am loved and I know it deep within my spirit.

Blessings,

Doug

Today is a good day! I feel as if I can go on. I feel hopeful and trusting that I can find joy again. I am feeling close to God, more than I ever have before. This life journey is epic indeed and I thank you Jesus for your compassion and your passionate love for me. I am seeing with new eyes and a new heart. You are freeing me from the chains of this world and the confines and limits of mankind’s wisdom. I am becoming who you created me to be.

The trip to Mt Leconte was a memorable time that I will never forget. Everything about the trip was amazing: our drive down and back, our accommodations, our hike, the weather, the hawks, the music, the presence of God and the closeness to Christy!

Hawks were soaring!

The drive down and back was filled with beauty as we saw hawks soaring everywhere. Christy loved to spot hawks as we drove around. We would mostly see them sitting in trees or should I say, Christy would see them as I would usually miss them. Call me crazy, but I know this was a sign from my girl that she was watching!

The day of the hike started early at IHOP (Christy loved to eat at IHOP on vacation) to fill up with some needed calories and a bit of caffeine for the long hike. We reached the trail head around 8:45, prayed and headed out! The weather was clear and cool with morning temps around 38 degrees. The hike was just full of so much beauty with something around every corner. The trail begins in the forest and offers a good warm-up opportunity before beginning to climb. We found out along the way that it was Seneca’s 30^th birthday! We sang happy birthday to him on the trail. There were several log bridges, steps, rocks, roots and cables to hold on the way up. Paige’s legs broke out in hives, but that didn’t stop her. I am so proud of my girls for toughing it out and pushing through the pain. They really inspired me and shined with a beautiful light of love! I am one blessed Daddy!

Blessed Daddy!

Finally reaching the lodge was welcoming as we saw a couple of deer and restrooms! Now, we just had .2 miles to go to get to the Cliff Tops. Another rocky, uphill climb, but what a spectacular scene at the top! The sky was so clear that day, unusually clear as noted by a couple of local hikers. We could see for miles and miles! Everyone made it!

Fulfilling this wish for Christy was difficult, yet I felt so honored, so close to her on this perfect day, Mother’s Day! As we all took part in spreading Christy’s ashes here in this beautiful place that God created, all felt right, all felt complete. I knew that my heart would continue to hurt, yet I experienced healing in these mountains through the love shown and felt and I know I will be OK.

Thank you Lord for our time with Christy!

Wow, my first marathon experience! I must say it was definitely something I want to do again. I cannot explain fully the emotions that I felt throughout the whole process. What an honor to be a part of Team McGraw and have the opportunity to serve other caregivers, cancer survivors and those who have lost loved ones as I have. I was so proud to honor my Christy and share our story with so many. Team Christy traveled to Nashville in force in support of Team McGraw and one another. We loved big and were loved big in return.

Friday night was an opportunity to meet some of our fellow runners at the Bowling for Brains get together. We enjoyed great food, bowling and live music. We were so welcomed by our new friends at Team McGraw. The love is just so beautiful and so needed. To be supported by others who have gone through or are going through the same experiences that you are is quite extraordinary. I received a  miniature guitar autographed by Tim McGraw as the top fundraiser, which is pretty ironic in that I have been playing the guitar daily for the past 8 weeks and even bought a new electric just last week.

Race day started early and with little sleep. I was so excited to meet more Team McGraw members and hear some of their stories. Runners with brain cancer, runners who have lost spouses and other loved ones; quite a team! The buzz at the start was amazing with thousands of runners starting before our corral. The course was quite hilly and difficult, but with lots of bands and supporters along the route and lots of prayer, I was able to keep my legs going. Our Team Christy supporters really lifted us up on miles 4 & 8, giving a nice adrenaline rush! Again, running with Team McGraw, we had supporters all along the course shouting encouragement. I was also blessed to share about Team McGraw and my beautiful Christy as runners would come beside me and ask about Team McGraw. I felt so close to Christy and so honored to share her love in this very tangible way. I know our whole team experienced many opportunities to share Christy’s story.

I was taxed mentally, physically and spiritually. At times I cried and felt deep sadness as we stayed in a place that Christy and I had vacationed many times before. The memories were so strong of our times together, that I could picture her almost everywhere we went. During the race, I felt her presence in the beauty of the surroundings; the sky, the city, the people. I prayed most of the time I was running. I can’t really describe the intense emotions, but I will not soon forget. I believe I received some healing this past weekend.

I was so proud of Team Christy as we all worked together; whether running, walking, yelling encouragement or providing transportation. We all carried our precious Christy with us in our hearts and I believe we really made an impact on Nashville. Thanks you Jesus for blessing me and allowing me to be a part of such a great love story!

Blessings,

Doug

Nashville is coming up quickly and I am beginning to get a bit nervous. I know the thought of the large crowds; the unknowns associated with doing something new are part of my nervousness. But, what I really know is that I (along with our whole entourage) will be facing some really huge emotions associated with Christy’s death.

I am still feeling like I’m barely hanging on at times and that life is very abnormal, even on-hold to a degree. I think the marathon is the next big emotional step in moving forward to finding “Joy” again. I am looking forward to feeling joy again, but I’m definitely apprehensive about feeling the deep pain. It is necessary and healing I’m sure, but nonetheless, scary!

Physically, I am ready for the 13.1 miles. My body feels good and I will be eating well and getting plenty of rest this week. Spiritually, I’m feeling closer to God than I ever have. I am seeing a new facet of his great love that I didn’t know existed. This love is sustaining me and allowing me to receive and give agape love from the depths of a hurt and sorrowful heart. It is amazing! Mentally, I’m fighting anxiety and a bit of depression, but I am fighting well, with healthy outlets and support from great friends and family.  I am looking for God to provide great healing this weekend as I know his presence will be thick. Pray and be a part of our journey!

Blessings,

Doug

Healing is such a difficult thing to obtain. I mean, it seems to be a never ending task. You think you’re getting there and then you find yourself totally decimated. Sometimes I look around and all I see is casualties everywhere. Everyone is wounded, bleeding and crying for help. It can be quite overwhelming as most are people that I love so dearly. I feel helpless at times. I feel like I want to help, but I just don’t have the capacity. I am learning something though. That God does care and God does answer prayer. I have no other answer for my strength and determination to not let my wounds keep me from not only helping myself, but running to the battlefield to help mend the wounds of my loved ones and any others God puts in my vision. In Monty Python’s, The Life of Brain, the black knight suffered huge wounding, but continued to battle, saying, “It’s only a flesh wound”. I will continue to battle for love, no matter how hard life hits me. People are worth it. Love brings life and freedom like nothing else. Jesus, free us today! Check this video: Healer

Blessings,

Doug

I had the priviledge to speak with a fellow Team McGraw runner yesterday, who is also a 7 year brain cancer survivor. She has been running marathons since her diagnosis and has batted hard against this disease. She has been through many surgeries and many treatments. She is a wife and mother and is full of life. She uplifted me yesterday (hard day) as we connected on a knowing level. As she shared about her treatments over the years, to include all the same treatments Christy went through, I was taken back to my caregiver role. I felt such love and empathy. I heard the same determination to live and the same joy, despite the cancer and what she is going through, that so filled my Christy. Thank you Lord for your love in such hard places!

I am so blessed to be a part of Team McGraw and Team Christy. Team Christy is indeed making an impact. We are strong and getting stronger. For the upcoming Country Music Marathon, we have raised over $5000 and Team McGraw as a whole, has raised over $18K. This is just the beginning! I’m so proud of all who are giving of their time and talents.

The Beauty of Life

Personally, I am physically stronger than I have ever been and I’m running easier every time. My heart is also being healed as I run. I know April 24th in Nashville will be a very emotional time. I’ve pictured crossing that finish line and it brings me to tears. We are so blessed to be a part of bringing hope and healing to the many who have and still are battling brain cancer. Oh, and by the way, I hate this disease so much! It seems that it is winning at times, but I still believe love wins! I saw love and life in Christy. I experienced love and life throughout her 2 year battle. I am struggling, but I am getting stronger, loving life more each day. I will fight for life. I will fight this disease. I will live big and love big. Brain cancer does not win, love does!

Blessings,

Doug

It has been 7 weeks now since my Christy left this world. I’m trying to gauge where I am in so far as my grieving goes and I really feel like I haven’t moved much. I still cry un-expectantly, I still ache in my heart for what could have been. I am comforted by the thought of my girl being in heaven with Jesus among the great cloud of witnesses, but I really miss her and want to be with her. I am feeling this loss more acutely as I think I’m coming out of the shock and numbness associated with Christy’s death.  I am finding it harder to look at pictures and relive memories as it just plain hurts. I’m not trying to gloss over this pain and face it as I know this is all part of the process. I still can’t believe she is gone!! I just can’t get a firm grasp of that reality. It is very frustrating…Jesus I need you today!

I am doing many things that help me: I’m still running, biking, playing guitar, singing, reading, writing, praying and praising God. I’m not hiding, but reaching out to my friends and family. I so need the love of the body! I can’t imagine being alone during such a hard time.

Even though it doesn’t seem like I’ve moved much, I do know that I have. I know deep in my heart that God has me and the prayers of the saints and the great cloud of witnesses, with my Christy right up front, cheering me on! I am covered, I am loved, I have hope, I have love, and I am such a blessed man!

Blessings,

Doug

Hebrews 12: 1-3

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Last night I attended an Easter play on the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. I know the story well, have attended and participated in plays of this type before, but somehow I was unprepared for the emotions that would tear at my heart. I so felt the sting of death as I watched Jesus struggling for breath and nearing that final breath. I am thankful the lights were turned out at that point. I really struggled with the taking down, covering and carrying off of the body. I was taken back to our living room during these scenes, remembering my Christy’s last breath and re-feeling the deep sorrow that overtook me.  Remembering the men from the funeral home taking out her body and how empty our home suddenly felt. I so identified with the disciples, Jesus’ family and his friends. It really, really hurts!

So today is Easter Sunday, a day of hope, celebration and family; a day in which I am choosing to reach out in love in hope of finding peace. I will not wait for love to find me today. It is a rescue of self and not waiting for a rescuer and I do need to be rescued today. I need to find hope and peace today. I am hurting, but I know I do have hope. Jesus did overcome death and that gives me hope as I picture my sweet Christy alive with Jesus. I wish I could physically see her, but I know that time will come. Until then, I will rest and be safe is his arms today.

Blessings,

Doug