Things will never be the same

As every month clicks by, I am finding life without Christy is really hard, but I’m doing it and I think I’m doing really well most days. Last night was hard as I dreamed of Christy and relived her death. It wasn’t what I want to dream, but it happened and it was quite difficult to feel the feelings all over again. When Christy took her last breath in her mortal body, my heart truly broke. I can’t explain the pain, but it is such an intense force of deep, deep loss. I felt that again last night. Very vivid, very real, yet at the same time, very unreal. I mean, nothing was familiar, except Christy, our old Ford Explorer and the seizures. I hated those damn seizures! They would steal our hope and  remind us of the monster inside. In my dream, the seizures seemed to be a focal point with the final one finding me holding her in my arms. At that point I woke up sobbing. It still makes me cry as I write this. I miss you so much Christy Joy!

My life may not look like I had planned (a life without Christy), but I am finding new hope each day. Like manna in the desert, I will continue to pray for healing and strength each new day and trust that I will receive what I need one day at a time.

My new life is one of straddling both the old and the new, truly living in the void, seeking life with everything in me, while holding onto memories from a chapter of life that truly enabled me to live and possess the strength and love that I have for life today. It is a hard place to be, yet a place I’ve been prepared in advance to indwell. I’m thankful this day.

Blessings,

Doug

As I reflect on this life journey, I am finding a pattern, a repeating process. One that includes failure, loss, pain on one side and hope, renewal, excitement on the other. But, enveloping it all is this great sense of LOVE. I have experienced so much of each side. I pray for less pain and more hope, but it seems I must experience the pain in order to experience the hope. Not exactly the way I would have liked hope to come, but it seems so very logical to me. If we don’t experience pain and loss, how can we experience the hope that comes to us in our darkest times?

As I am preparing for my first marathon, I have experienced pain and doubt as I have had to push my body to its limits, yet as I continue to work a disciplined plan one day at a time, I’m running farther than I thought possible and I have renewed hope that I will indeed be able to run the 26.2 miles on race day. My entire life requires the same discipline in order to experience hope that I can indeed run the life race before me. I must follow a healthy plan in order to face and work through the pain associated with this life and only then will I be able to find the strength, courage and faith to hope. I’m continually working on the plan, open to seeing, hearing and feeling new possibilities, new insights and fresh revelation of heart gifts I never knew where there.

I am open and willing to be examined fully without reservation. I desire to learn and grow from this place of pain and change. If I don’t choose this path, I lose hope and if I lose hope, I have nothing and life has no purpose. I know deep in my soul, even on the darkest days, that life does have purpose. I am here for a reason and I was created in love for love with a most incredibly unique and purposeful design. Today, I will do my best to remember the love that is entrenched in my deep heart.

Blessings,

Doug

When Christy and I first found out about her cancer, I could not begin to fathom what life might be like without my best friend. I come into each new day hopeful, but more days than I’d like to admit, I’m disappointed and truly sad. I am also having difficulty, at times, finding the desire to  exert myself to find meaning and fullness of life. Six and one half months and I miss Christy more each day. My wound is still bleeding heavily and it can literally suck the life force right out of me. I’m working, running, writing, reading, getting therapy, praying, singing and reaching out, but I still feel like I’m so far from peace. It can be quite frustrating!

The title of this blog, “Things will never be the same”, rings so true. Everything in my life has a new look and feel. Much of it involves pain and healing. I’ve had to re-evaluate my entire way of life: relationships, friends, family, church, beliefs, habits and desires. Basically, my entire purpose for being here. My life is so familiar in some ways, but so unfamiliar at the same time, which is both scary and exciting. I’m really sure I’m on the right path one day and feel totally lost the next. Actually, that can be from hour to hour some days.

But, I know I am definitely a work in progress (definitely a hopeful statement) and at this moment, I am fairly confident I can and will find my way if I can just find one small piece of hope to hold on to, one moment at a time (coming across the scene in the above picture provided a moment of such hope). I am not giving up now and I will never give up on life. I may get angry, sad, frustrated and feel unsure, unsafe or even a bit depressed, but I do know somehow, someway, that I am being held. That there is a great love beyond my understanding, beyond the pain. That love sustains me and gives me hope even as I write these words and I am so very thankful……..

Blessings,

Doug

I sure never believed life would be so different in such a short while. I remember everything so vividly, yet it seems so long ago at times, almost like a dream. I have never been tested so hard in my entire life. Alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, bad marriages, custody battles, strained relationships, illness, death of my parents. Nothing has been so difficult to understand, make sense of or accept as the death of my sweet girl. But somehow, I am continuing to get new glimpses of hope and life. I have had all the head knowledge of heaven for most of my life, but with Christy’s cancer and death, I am being shown heaven in my heart. I’m knowing with certainty that heaven is so much more than what I could have ever imagined. As I reach through the pain of Christy’s physical absense and open my heart to what God is showing me through the ache, through the sometimes overwhelming longing to hold her, I am being given a sense of “more”. A new awareness of life, of connectedness. Not only with God, but with Christy, with people around me. I am truly beginning to see and feel the words of Jesus ringing true in such a real and penetrating way. I have seen glimpses of what I’m attempting to describe before for brief moments, but never to this degree. I am being changed by a love so deep, so perfect, so beautiful. I know God is healing my brokenness and I know there is so much more that God is going to reveal to me in time,  one step at a time, one day at a time. We are never outside of the realm of God. We are loved deeply today, exactly where we are, exactly as we are. Such a love for such a time as this!

Blessings,

Doug

I can’t describe the deep pain that sometimes hits me. Today was one of those times when it seemingly came out of nowhere. I was just ending up my work day and catching the last out of the Red’s game, when I caught a glimpse of my girl in a picture of the two of us at my daughter’s wedding reception. Even though Christy isn’t here in the physical way she was, I still feel her very close to me most of the time. But, then there are the times I feel she is quite far from me and there I know that life will never go back to where it was. Looking at that picture took me to one of those painful times. Those are the times that I feel I can’t breath, I can’t rest, I can’t do anything but cry. I long for her. I long to touch her and hold her. I loved taking care of her. I loved being held by her. Our hearts were indeed one. I miss her terribly.

I am trying to live and love, but at times, it is so difficult. I am healing and I am finding peace, but I also fear I am more broken than I realize. I fear that I may not be capable of loving that deep ever again. I pray that is not true as I feel I have much more love to give and much more love to receive. I just know it. Help me Jesus. Help me navigate this rocky road, with its many turns, sharp rocks and slippery slopes. This life is indeed an adventure and a journey that sometimes I don’t care much to be a part of. But, experience has shown me time and again that God has a way of using this hurt to reveal a side of himself that can light up my heart in such a marvelous and life changing fashion. God, I’m needing you now!!

Blessings,

Doug

As I have just passed the 5 month mark of Christy’s death and I am looking at what would have been Christy’s 51st birthday on August 3rd, I am finding that I am missing her more and more. I remember her surprise birthday party at Bravo last summer. She warned me that she didn’t want to be surprised, but loved it when she was. I really had a hard time convincing her that Bravo was a good place to eat without giving away the surprise. It seems like yesterday and at the same time, it seems like so long ago. All my memories of her seem that way.

I still can’t believe she is gone. It seems so unreal at times. It is such a frustrating feeling, knowing that I can’t hold her or converse with her or laugh with her. My years with Christy were beautiful years. We grew together is so many ways. We were such good friends. I am indeed such a blessed man to have had her for almost 20 years. I surely thought we would grow old together. But, I trust that God knows best and I trust that he will bring healing to me.

I do feel that I am in the midst of a battle for my heart. I know that God has my best in mind, but I also know that there is a force that doesn’t want that for me. I am growing stronger as I continue to battle with the weapons that have been placed before me. These are weapons of truth, wisdom, courage and strength yielded within a shroud of love. Love is the key! Love is what changes hearts. God is love. Love is God. When I love deeply and fully, I am connected to God, to Christy, to humanity! My heart is full when I love. My countenance is one of love, of light shining into a hurting world. The world I am in, my reality, my relationships, that which God has entrusted to me to share love, his love through me as he uniquely created me to do. We are all capable of such a great love as we are connected to the ultimate source of love, Jesus! We see the world differently, we see through the walls that people have built around their hearts. We see them as God sees them and we are changed, they are changed! This love is my hope! This love will save me! This love will give me purpose! The purpose for which I was created. Even in the midst of great pain and great loss.

Blessings,

Doug

We are born into this world without our consent, yet we were known before we were conceived and thus were given what we couldn’t possibly choose for ourselves…..life. Throughout our lives, we are given many more things without our consent or our choosing. These include both good and bad things. We tend to ignore or take for granted the good that is given to us, while we always give attention to the bad or what we think is bad. I do this, I think we all do this to one degree or another. These are mostly things we have no control over, even though we think we do. We really only have a choice in how we react or accept the things that come our way. Whether we choose to live or choose to shutdown. And I am not talking extremes here, such as suicide, I am talking about how we live our daily lives. We can be walking, talking, breathing and living the good life, but be dead. On the other hand, we can be in great physical, mental or spiritual pain and yet be fully alive. I am convinced we can be fully alive in both realms, good and bad, but only by choosing life at all times. And I really can say, I feel it is easier to choose life when things seem really bad. When I am forced to look at things from the simple choice of living or dying. Although the bad can be quite difficult, truly painful and seemingly hopeless at times, the choice to live in these circumstances produces a hope that is exponentially greater in the opposite direction. It seems when things are seemingly good, that the path to dying is more subtle and sometimes not known until devastation has reared its ugly head. And when this happens, make no mistake, it will bring great pain at some point, but pain that possibly could have been averted. The result can be the same, if the choice is to live, but I believe life can come without adding unnecessary pain. Pain in this world is a given, so I do not want to add to it.

Life is such a gift and we are here but for a short time. i believe we can taste the goodness and love of our creator’s intention for us if we choose to live each and every day that we are here. To live each and every moment by loving as he first loved us. Before we were ever known, he knew us and loved us. We are God’s special miracle to himself and to the world.  We can breathe life and change the path of another by bringing hope in the midst of extreme darkness. We can truly be world changers. Choosing life seems impossible at times and surely  is not easy, but it is attainable. I’ve tasted life in the midst of great pain and I’ve tasted life in the midst of great beauty. I want life, I want freedom. Today, I am praying for the ability to choose life in all circumstances, situations and relationships.

Blessings,

Doug

The pain, the pain of losing a piece of my heart, at times seems impossible to bear. I sometimes want to shutdown as the pain is almost paralyzing. Or, at times, I will get the desire to drive away into the vastness with no plan, no destination, no time restraints.  When the pain hits me, it seems to be hitting me harder these days. I can feel that the numbness is slowly leaving me and exposing the rawness of my heartache. When it hurts, it hurts bad and I feel I am in a fight for my life. Thank you God, that you have buffered the pain and slowly allowed me to take in the enormity of this loss in such a caring and loving manner. I feel your love, my Jesus, more than ever. You are my comforter, my sustainer, my light, my heavenly, my rock, my anchor.

I don’t feel like this all the time and actually feel like life is worth it (the pain). That the pain has a purpose and is actually making me stronger and enabling me to slowly pull back the curtain more and more to see the beauty of a grand plan, an epic story of love in which I have been a part. I feel freedom is just around the corner. Freedom to live fully, to love fully, to see life even clearer, to see God clearer, to fully experience my part in God’s epic love story. FREEDOM!!!! Christy has found this freedom and I know she is fully alive, fully free, fully experiencing the love of God! I can’t fully have what she now has, but I can experience as much as is possible in this earthen vessel! I want this more than anything!

I love this scene (see link below) from the movie Braveheart, where William Wallace proclaims that freedom is worth the risk of leaving the known, the comfortable, even risking one’s life. While I am not on such a visible battlefield, I feel the battle for my heart is just as real. The enemy wants me to lose heart, to be paralyzed, to drive away, to risk nothing and thus allow the lessons of death to not produce life, but more death. I’m hurting and wounded, but I will fight. I will not give in to the voice of hopelessness. Instead, I will continue to seek out life, love and truth with everything I have in me and surround myself with those who will hold me up, carry me and even fight for me when I am too weak. Love is a choice shown in the actions of a beautiful lover….My Jesus!

Freedom Speech

Blessings,

Doug

Today I am thankful. My life has indeed been blessed and saturated by the love of God through Jesus that I have witnessed first hand in the outpouring of love from those who have come beside me in my grief. And there have been so many! I am at a place of feeling and hope. I am feeling loved and that gives me hope and even more, it gives me the desire to love. I know though, that love is more than a feeling, it is a choice. I am choosing to love today. I am choosing to live today. Thank you my sweet Lord for this new day!

July 4th 2005

This weekend is another first, my first 4th of July since Christy’s death. Although, we really weren’t that big on fireworks, we did build some very good memories surrounding this holiday. I remember fireworks in Florida with our kids, my mother and stepfather. It was hot, sticky and lots of bugs, but we were together. I remember all the times at the park in Moraine, sometimes sitting in the rain. Sometimes the fireworks display wasn’t quite as spectacular as we would have liked and the traffic was a pain, but we were together, together with family and friends celebrating freedom and love. I’m not sure what I will do this 4th of July. My tendency may be to skip all the crowds and hoopla, but my heart tells me not to let my grief keep me from experiencing this holiday in a new way, while at the same time allowing an opportunity to remember the beautiful times Christy and I enjoyed together.

I know the firsts will continue to come and I will grieve them one at a time. I will do my best to hang on to the beautiful memories and not fear the feelings, emotions and aching in my heart that I know will come. I will fight to live and not let my grief keep me from living life fully, freely, enjoying all that God has and will bring into my life. I am wounded, but my wounds are healing and in the process my spirit is being nurished. I am a blessed man!

Blessings,

Doug

It seems these days that time is being measured by both loss and gain. I have lost a beautiful companion and my best friend, but I have gained an ability to love that I didn’t know existed or that I was capable of giving or receiving. I can’t really explain how I feel today, but I do know that I have been and am being changed. I see the world differently. I see people differently. I see God differently and more clearly than ever. I am desiring to become more, to see more, to experience more, to be more vulnerable, to be more open to hearing and experiencing people’s stories.

I hurt, I cry and at times I feel so desperate to hold my sweet girl one more time. I am learning to allow these emotions and yearnings the freedom to permeate my being and wash my grief with my tears. When I can do this, I have experienced great relief and comfort and can almost physically sense a forward progress. I still tend to try and fend off these emotions as they just seem to want to show up, often times, in public places and my pride, many times, won’t let me go there. I am learning though, that I need to let go as often as I can. It really doesn’t matter if strangers see an emotional outburst or tears. Maybe they need to see it. I’m working hard on this one. Pray for me.

4 months this past Saturday. It is ironic that both Christy’s death and my father’s birth are the same date, February 19th. This picture of them together is so very precious as it represents to me a glimpse of heaven. I sure never thought this photo would have that significance when I took it. I am thankful for this gift. They are so beautiful together. I miss then so much. 

Although I struggle, at times I am feeling this incredible hope building in me. Hope that life is good. Hope that life is worth the pain. Hope that joy is just around the corner. Hope that love does win every time! God is indeed amazing! I am such a blessed man!

Blessings,

Doug