Things will never be the same

I am loved. I am indwelled by love. I am a channel of love. Do I believe this? More and more I do and the more I do, the more I feel alive. The more I feel alive, the more I desire to love myself and others. It is such an incredible circle of life. And I do desire life and wholeness. I am working hard to find this life one day at a time. I am a child of God and I am created to love and to be loved.

As I ponder who I am in the midst of grief and the new life I still haven’t figured out. I am finding the strength and courage to trust this life will once again illumine joy in my heart. I get glimpses as Dad and Pappaw. I get glimpses as I find life in recovery and through my  friends, both old and new. I get glimpses as I run mile after mile along the river, seeing the beauty of creation, hawks gracefully soaring. I sense the universe leading me toward beauty beyond my imagination.

I hurt today. I hurt most days, but I am beginning to truly realize the depths of the love that has held me, not only throughout the past year, but throughout my entire life. In this painful place, this place of loss, I am examining my heart and I am exposing the darkness to the light. The negative lies I have believed about myself are losing their power. The dark cannot exist in the light. In fact, it never existed. Darkness is but an illusion, a deception to my true identity. I am love because I AM loves me!

Peace,

Doug

I could not have imagined how difficult life would be from any other point aside from today. Each day, I have continued to do something positive that will enable me to find strength to face a new day of uncertainty, pain, confusion along with the possibilities of emotional highs, spiritual encouragement and flat out “LOVE”! It is a roller coaster life ride that I sometimes can’t seem to want to handle. Today is one of those days. I’m tired, I’m hurting, I’m wanting to get off this life ride for awhile. My life is filled with loss, with frustration, with constant change and dissapointment. I can’t find a sustained peace. I know it is within my grasp as I do have access to that place in my heart that knows truth, that knows me, that provides all my needs.

I believe God is real and God is love and has what I desire, but today I can’t seem to know how to be. I’m reading, I’m praying, I’m meditating, I’m learning, I’m challenging, I’m being changed as I’m coming to a deeper knowing of life, but it is a place of simultaneous negative and positive emotions and realities. I feel loved more than ever and I feel like I love deeper than I ever knew I could, but at the same time I feel judged, hated, abandoned and lonely. I miss Christy every day and my grief is surely not helping me to enjoy life. It is, though, requiring an abandonment of my superficial ways of handling everything myself and thinking I can just push through, push aside or totally ignore my pain and forcing me to seek truth or cease to find life. I do choose life, I do want life, I want to experience a life full of joy and peace.

These are some raw emotions I am choosing to share publically. It is my hope that my sharing on this blog may connect my heart with those who read my words and provide a space for thoughts and prayers of healing, wholeness and life. My writings are my prayers of love to you who read this. I do feel connected and alive as I write and share my heart. I am loved. I do know this!

Doug

This has been the most difficult year of my life. I cannot begin to write just how surreal this whole year has been. I remember hearing my girl’s heart stop beating. At that time, I felt both relief and great sorrow. I believe that love won and cancer had lost, but my best friend, my soul mate had made the transformation and I was left behind. My world would never be the same. How could I ever be happy without her? How could I do this? Indeed, it has been hard. At times, I’ve found it almost impossible to find the motivation to want to live. Most times though, I have found hope that life and love is absolutely possible. I am a survivor and I am finding my way through the pain, one day at a time, sometimes one second at a time. I am finding healthy ways to express and feel my pain. I will live and I will find peace and joy again. I do know this with everything in me!

I am blessed to have had 19+ years with such a beautiful, unique piece of Jesus named Christy Joy Ellis! God’s light shined brightly in this beautiful girl! She inspired me to want to be a better man, a better husband. I loved loving her and being near her. We encouraged one another to find more, to be who we were created to be and truly seek the desires of our heart.  To love is to desire the spiritual maturation of another and out of that love develops such a oneness, such a bond, one that can never be broken. Death cannot and has not broken our bond. Love has truly won!

I miss you Christy, but I feel you close. I am finding that there is indeed a thin veil that separates us. I know in my heart that the love of God encompasses all and the Spirit lives within me, therefore the closeness, the breath of your essence that I hold dear is real and tangible. I feel your prayers of encouragement to hold on and know that the pain of life produces a deep knowing of the creator of life. I know you came to know this truth as your days here were coming to a close. What we were able to share together in those last days was precious. Time did slow down and we were able to experience such a deeper love, our hearts fully meshed, allowing the fullness of life to flow in, even in the midst of death. As I remember that last week. I remember this overwhelming love that held us both. Even though, you couldn’t talk or open your eyes, I knew when I crawled in that bed each day, we were holding each other. I love you forever my girl!  

Doug

January 19th marked 11 months since Christy’s departure from us. It seems so much longer. I am fighting daily to find balance as I am moving forward, yet not wanting to let go. As time has passed though, I am finding the ability to feel the pain and  push through the pain, not letting it take me out as it so often did in the past.  Getting back to recovery has helped me tremendously. I am once again, working a 12 step program and going to meetings. I have not had a drink in 21 years and I haven’t had thoughts of drinking again, but I have had similar feelings of frustration that have made me realize, recovery is a lifelong plan for fully becoming who I was created to be. Life’s journey is full of hardships, but also full of beauty. I am looking for and finding more and more beauty, not only today, but throughout my whole life. Recovery helps me to remember, there is still beauty in the midst of pain and that I truly have been given an abundance of beauty.

On January 12th,  Christy and I would have celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. We had a video made on that day and for the past 11 months, I had not been able to find it. I really feared it lost. On my birthday, January 11th, I was moving some file folders and out popped the video! I was so surprise and so happy to see that video. On our anniversary date, I watched the video and not only did I see my Christy, but I also saw my Mom (Katie), My Dad (Dave), my stepmom (Diane), Christy’s Grandma (Helen), Grandpa (Sherman) and Grandma (Thelma). All had gone before and I am sure all welcomed Christy to heaven! I am so thankful for that video at this time in my life. I felt such peace and such a sense of blessing through seeing all of them in one room smiling, laughing and full of life. Such a joyous gathering on that day in 1991. Thank you God!

I am continuing my support of the Tug McGraw foundation in 2011 and will be raising funds and running  2 half marathons and 1 full marathon. My heart is fully connected to this team of incredible individuals who display such courage, hope and beauty. I have been healed, loved, encouraged and given such a unique opportunity to also give back that which I have received through my participation with Team McGraw. Such a gift!

Today is a gift of life. Today I am grateful. Today, I will live!

Peace,

Doug

On January 11th, 1990 I took my last drink of alcohol and my life since has seen both miraculous blessings and heart stinging loss. Today I celebrated 21 years of sobriety and 54 years of life on this earth. That birthday in 1990 was a bad one, as I had hit rock bottom and wanted so desperately to find life, but I didn’t think it was possible. My angel that night was a State Trooper who finally, after much belligerent behavior, arrested me and started me on my path to recovery. I truly feel if I had not been arrested, I would not have made it out alive.

6 months into recovery at a Sunday school class I met and soon married a beautiful young woman named Christy. We both were looking to find our true purpose in this life as we both had been broken and taken out by our choices in life to that point. We raised my 3 children and loved each other well. We grew in our knowledge of a loving and forgiving God and our hearts were opened to new hope and new life. We worked hard to overcome the wounds of our destructive pasts, some wounds self inflicted, some not chosen. We began to see an ability develop in us to love ourselves and to love others.  As we yearned and sought to truly know the heart of God, dour love for one anther grew and it never stopped growing. We traveled and we were active; hiking, biking, walking, weight training. We loved being together. We were grandparents and looking forward to more grandchildren and more travel. Then life dealt us a different plan.

December 2007 brought us the first sign of a brain tumor. Our lives for the next 26 months would be drastically changed. Seizures, chemo, radiation, surgeries, CT scans, MRIs, Temodar, keppra, Cleveland Clinic, Hope Lodge, nausea, fatigue, the list goes on and on, these became our new terms, our new focus. Although we tried to do as many of the normal things we loved, many were now just a memory. Thoughout all of it though, I can truly say I never loved Christy more. She gave me hope that even though life presented crappy circumstances, we could still find hope and still share a love that can only come from deep within. We were indeed connected deep in our hearts. We were one. When Christy died, my heart was deeply wounded as I lost my heart connection to my best friend, my life partner.

January 12th, 1991 we were marriend and tomorrow would have been our 20 year anniversary. What I am discovering in my healing is that my heart has not lost that connection. It is still there and always will be. Because of  our deep love, my heart has grown and has expanded its ability to love even more. I am experiencing a newness, a freshness that I have never experienced before. I really feel I’m being molded, truly in the potter’s hands. My relationships are being refined and renewed. I am learning to really love myself and this is freeing me more and more to love others for who they are, where they are, right here, right now. Love changes everything. I am living proof! I am alive and I am thankful. I will live today, I will love today, each day, one day at a time.

Peace,

Doug

Yesterday marked 10 month’s since my Christy left this world. It was an emotional weekend as my Christmas tree and decorations were put in place for the season. I wasn’t sure, I even wanted to put up a tree, but I felt compelled and encouraged to do so. I am glad it is up as it really does brighten up my house and helps me to remember the beauty that is here to see and experience. I need the love, the joy and the magic of Christmas more than ever.

I so cherished the memories of last Christmas as Christy was so happy to able to enjoy it all and I was so happy that she was still with us. Last Christmas was such a gift! This year is going to be such a contrast, such a change, but Christy’s love is strong in my heart and that brings me hope that this Christmas will also be special.

Yesterday was also a tough day as my cousin Sandy died from complications of lung cancer treatment. She was my first cousin on my Dad’s side and we were very close. I got to visit her the day before Thanksgiving and we had such a beautiful time together reminiscing and sharing our struggles. We prayed together and felt such a peace that we both so needed. Sandy was such a beautiful loving person who cared deeply for her family. She was indeed a special gift and I will miss her.

Death is coming at me strong as I have seen 2 uncles, my stepmother, my wife and now my cousin all die in the last 14 months. This is hard! I don’t know how to do this! The grief can be overwhelming at times as I watch my family slowly wither away. Oh and did I mention both my parents died in 2001 and 2002 and my aunt Ginger (Sandy’s mom)  shortly after that. This is so, so hard. God, give me strength and courage to keep going and to trust that you know what is best.

Doug

I cannot believe how hard life is. I thought I had a pretty good handle on most things. I knew life without Christy would be difficult, but I really had no clue. I see her, feel her and yearn for her every day. Sometimes I can embrace the thoughts, the memories and feel peace. Other times, I feel totally lost and hurt. This life all seems so surreal. I feel like I’m walking in a dream, an illusion. I think the matrix may be real in a sense. I didn’t fully understand life, blessings, pain, loss, joy, long suffering until brain cancer entered my world.

I now am finding a deeper yearning to know why I’m here, what my designed purpose truly is. Basically, to connect fully with my creator and know the face of love more intimately than I ever thought or knew was possible. I long to know the true face of Jesus. The Jesus who loved from every pore while on this earth and loves today from a place within each of us. Freely giving, freely accepting, fully forgiving even the worst of us. I desire to be whole, to be healed, to be fully known and fully free. I am in pursuit or so it seems??? I think it more accurate that I am being pursued

I surely don’t understand why it must be this way, but I’m trusting this is the way, right through the middle of pain. Seems a bit counter intuitive yet reasonable at the same time. God seems to work that way so I’m going to trust it, embrace it and see where it goes. Today, I am hopeful and feeling loved and I am thankful.

Doug

This Friday will be the 9 month mark of Christy’s departure from this earth. I cannot believe time is moving so quickly. I am so not pleased with God at this moment. Call me selfish, but I just can’t find life fully complete without her. As I am trying to deal head-on with the hurt in my heart, I am remembering all the family and friends that have been taken from my life. Cancer, heart attacks, tragic accidents have taken some very significant people from me. It is no wonder I struggle so much to feel and to fully love. I’m hurt and I’m angry and I’m afraid to love too deeply. I just can’t stand the pain of losing one more person.

Today, another person who touched my life, Jen, passed away from the ravages of brain cancer. Jen fought a beautiful fight and inspired many along the way. I met her through the Tug McGraw Foundation at the Country Music Marathon this past year. She was a brain cancer survivor extraordinaire and also a marathon runner. She called me before the marathon and shared her story with me. I was proud to meet her and run with her and for her in Nashville. Thank you Jenny!

I am sad at this moment as I know the pain of loss and I know the struggles to come with making sense of such a loss.Somehow, I pray that comfort and healing will be provided.  Deep inside, I know that we all will be OK. Today though, peace is hard to fathom. My heart is hurting, but I must find light in this darkness!

Another first is coming fast and that is Thanksgiving. Last Thanksgiving was difficult as Christy was very weak and struggled the entire 4 day weekend. This year, I am a bit lost as I search for thankfulness in the midst of loss. I will be running an 8K on Thanksgiving morning in memory of Christy as our first Thanksgiving together in 1990 we ran this same race together. In the rain, we ran the entire 8K together and finished hand in hand! I remember this so well. Such a beautiful memory Christy Joy!

I will continue to find healing and strength through running, writing, music and loving as best as I can. I know I am covered by a beauty and love far beyond my comprehension. A love that knew me before I was ever known in this world. A love that will complete me and fulfill me in perfect timing. My hope is secure!

Doug

I cannot believe the love and beauty that I ran into in New York City this past weekend. I have been training for months to run this marathon to honor my Christy and bring hope to the many who are and have been experiencing the traumas of brain cancer. For me, the training has been a healing agent as it has given me a way to fight back. To do something to make a difference and to share the deep love and respect I have in my heart for those whose lives have been affected by this monster.

I ran for love and I ran into love in a big way. I experienced the heart of Team McGraw in NYC and it moved me deeply. I am so blessed to have these beautiful people in my life. I cannot describe the fullness of this love in words alone, but I know each one knows what I am saying here. My heart was held this weekend by so many as I held many hearts myself. I could not help but be moved to tears over and over again. I met new friends and bonded deeper with those whom I met in Nashville. I met Steve and his beautiful family as they came to be a part of the team. Steve has brain cancer and is fighting a beautiful fight. His heart is beautiful and he reminded me so much of Christy. So positive, so courageous, so loving and strong. At 56 he got is first tatoo “Ya Gotta Believe” on his forearm. How can I not run for this man. How can I not give my all. I must!

As I said, my emotions were really out there, from the time we arrived at the hotel and were greeted by Kevin, Jeff and Genvieve with such love, I knew something special was happening. The gathering on Saturday at California Kitchen was such a time of heart sharing for those we love and hold so dearly. As each person shared a little of their journey to becoming a marathon runner for those they loved, the room was filled with such beauty. Jeff closed with reading a beautiful letter from our inspiring and courageous friend Jen, a brain cancer survivor and team runner. Leaving that place, we all knew without a doubt, we were here for a purpose so much bigger than the marathon. We were truly on sacred ground for a sacred purpose.

Meeting the next day at 5:00 a.m. we began our journey. Arriving at the runners village it was very cold and the wait was long. I remember the plane with the message “Live in the moment”. Through chattering teeth, I surveyed the surroundings and tried to take it all in. the sights, the sounds, the big screen, the national anthem, the start, the cheers as the runners began crossing the bridge. I couldn’t wait to run! I wanted to experience everything I was supposed to experience, to learn, to receive. There was a small group of us sticking together making our way to the UPS trucks and the start corrals. We were all feeling the enormity of the moment. We hugged and wished each other good luck. Katie hugged me and prayed with me, giving me a very special gift that I wore around my neck. I cannot tell how beautiful these moments were.

Finally, it was time to run! The bridge run was long, windy and cold on the lower level, but the view was incredible. Elvis was running with us. A good sign for sure! Finally out in the sun I started to get into a good pace. I felt good and the streets of Brooklyn were packed with people cheering us on. I was really moved by all the enthusiasm. Lot’s of G2 and water. Porta Pottys were a pain to have to wait for, but when ya gotta go, you gotta go! 13, 14, 15 miles down and I still felt good. At mile 16 -17 got some good medicine seeing my Christy’s smiling face in the midst of Team McGraw beauties (thank you Lynn for the heart gift). Katie had just made it through their hugs when I came up and we ran off hand in hand, such an awesome and beautiful moment!!!! Heather soon joined us and the 3 of us pushed forward. I soon found these girls to be my angels who would get me to the finish as I started getting a severe muscle cramp in my right leg. Had to stop around mile 21 for medical attention to get the cramp relieved enough to keep going. My girl Heather stayed with me and after walking a short distance, I was able to start running again. Slow, painful steps for the last few miles. I was moved to tears as my thoughts were on the cancer survivors who where going through so much every day. My pain was so temporary, I had to keep going. At mile 25, I was so moved to see Christy’s smile face once again! I needed to see her, what a gift! Thank you again Lynn, you are amazing! As we had previewed the finish line the day before, I knew I was close. Heather made sure I was OK and then let me run the final 500 yards on my own. Crossing that finish line was such a beautiful moment. I will not forget the tremendous amount of love I felt in that moment. All the training, the lonely miles, the pounding was all worth it. I knew I had been a part of something very special, a sacred time in a sacred space for such a time as this!

We followed up with a celebration party at Foley’s Irish Pub. A good way to end a beautiful day. It was wonderful to finally have a big, juicy hamburger!

Team McGraw, I love you all so much! You all have been such a part of my healing. You believe in me, you love me, you see me. I am honored to run along side of each of you in this fight for life. I saw beauty in such a life changing way this past weekend. Thank you for that. God willing, I look forward to the events ahead that we can once again honor those who have and are fighting so hard. Such a gift to be able to give to those we love!

Thanks to all who supported me and Team McGraw at the NYC marathon. Your financial support, your prayers, your encouragement, your love is so appreciated and was so needed! I am such a blessed man.

Doug

Today is the 8 month mark of Christy’s last day here with us and I have certainly found life to be a tremendous challenge during these past months. The peaks can be extraordinarily high (I have experienced a few) and the valleys incredibly deep (lots of these). I thought I had experienced much of that before this past year, but I really didn’t have a clue. I’ve experienced a love, so pure, so strong through a time that brought me to a broken place that I literally felt would kill me. What is amazing to me is the ability of the human spirit to find home, even in the darkest moments. And home to me is where I find truth in who I am and who I was created to be, a resting place where I know I am loved so fully, so perfectly. I have experienced some of the darkest moments of my life this past year and yet, I still have hope, I still find that life has meaning and a purpose for my being here. That to me is amazing!

I do often ache for a “do over” with Christy. To be able to enjoy just being with her one more time. Her presence gave me peace and assurance that I was capable of loving in a manner that brought both growth and joy. I loved Christy with everything in me, a love that I never thought I had the capacity for before we met. We both came from broken places, searching for change. We sought together new hope and new life and in this quest our hearts were made alive and full of love for life and for each other. Our deep hearts, created for love, were made aware of a perfect love given as a gift and a blessing long before we were ever conceived. Crazy to think about, but I believe this fully. Christy and I experienced this love and it changed us. It is in this love that I can go on.  I can hope, I can love, I can dream of experiencing joy again. If we were not created to love and to be loved like this, then what is the point? How can we go on with such tragedy all around us?

There is a perfect plan, I know this, although I’m really not too pleased to let go of such a beautiful piece of my life. But, I am so very content in knowing Christy is now completely whole, complete in perfect love, no cancer, no limitations, fully alive.  I can only imagine the beauty, the feeling of being fully held by such a perfect love, a complete overwhelming of all our senses to a degree indescrible in this realm. I want to join her, but not yet! I still feel I have much to do here, much to learn and much to live for. I am a blessed man, even though it hurts………

Doug