This is a hard one for me to grasp, but there is light even in the darkest places. Even when hope seems lost. Even when I fully deny the light, it is there. I sense this and I know this truth and it is what gives me strength to live each day, one day at a time. I am so thankful for this truth as today has been a hard day. Days like these tend to hit me hard as I somehow don’t expect them. The feelings seem to surface without warning or I deny or ignore the warnings. I would suspect though, that even if I did try to prepare, it would be just as hard, but I could eliminate the denial.
Today is the 19th of September, exactly 19 months since my girl left this world. I should know by now that the 19th of every month gets me, but lately I’ve been trying to let it pass without much acknowledgement, even to the point of deliberately ignoring it. But, my heart won’t let it pass. Oh God, it still hurts badly. I want to not feel this pain, but hard as I try to ignore it, it won’t leave me alone. As hard as I try to just live this new life, I can’t escape the pain of this loss. I cannot just move on.
So, today I write and as I write I will attempt to allow the pain in and give it attention. What is it that I must learn in this place? What is it I must know and experience? I’ve never felt hurt to this degree and I’ve been feeling it for 19 months, it is always there, always just under the surface of all I do, everywhere I go. How can I use this pain, this aching to quench the longing in my heart, this longing to love,to be loved, to be known? I want to dig deep into my being and know the authentic Doug, the unique and precious creation known long before I was born, every hair, every cell unique and known by love. I desire to embrace this pain as I believe that is what it takes to know this love fully. But, I need courage, strength and wisdom of which I am not confident of manifesting on my own, even though I know it is within me. I pray for the courage to go there, to not be afraid, to not turn back. I want to be free, to be whole!
Although I am hurting, I am grateful today. I am grateful for the beautiful people in my life that have come along side of me to encourage me and love me well. I do see life today and I see hope in this moment, in this sacred space. For as I seek, I know I will find and as I knock and knock and knock, I know the door will be opened wider and wider and wider! I am trusting today to expose my heart and allow the light to touch the dark and wounded places.
Please hold me close in your thoughts and prayers!
Doug