At different points in my life, I have taken on specific identities. When I was young, I was a ballplayer. I lived and breathed baseball. I had no doubt I would be in the major leagues some day. As I got a little older, I took notice of the opposite sex and when I was noticed, I soon thought I was special and being a ballplayer was not as important as being a player. I soon found my way to alcohol and drugs and party animal was my new identity. That led to trouble maker, bad influence, drunk, lawbreaker and jailbird. I also managed to become a 2 time divorcee and on the positive side, a father. Loss of control with alcohol and drugs brought me to a belief of being a failure, a loser, worthless and I really hated myself and this identity. Life really didn’t seem to have much for me as I felt that I had really blown it and my opportunities were missed. I was indeed hopeless……
Sobriety came to me and I found hope in a power greater than myself and as I did I began to find my heart again. The negative identify was being replaced with a newness and a fresh perspective. I soon met a girl name Christy and she really liked me, Doug! It was the beginning of finding my true identity, my authentic self. Wow, this was incredible! To be able to be honest, to be real, to ask questions, to seek truth, so refreshing! The years were filled with seeking truth for ourselves. Praying, fasting, meditating, studying, stretching ourselves in order to grow, to know the fire that was burning inside. I was beginning to find some serenity. My identity was becoming something I desired, finally!
In the beginning years of my sobriety and our marriage, I was fortunate to have the opportunity to attend college for free! Computers soon became my new interest. After finishing school and venturing into the business world, I found myself becoming obsessed with obtaining knowledge and spent many, many hours studying and learning as much as I could as quickly as possible. My new identity was technology expert and although I had holes in my skills, due to the lack of experience, I was pretty darn good at all this. But, there never seemed to be enough time in a day…..I slept less, spent time with my family less….always something really important that had to be done. I surely would like that time back now. During those same years, I also managed to attend and serve on many spiritual retreats, I lead Sunday school classes, gave talks, sermons, was a House Church leader, a Biblical story teller , I read the Bible year in and year out (cover to cover) in addition to dozens of other guides and books on growing my faith. Deep in my heart, I have always had this yearning to know God deeper, to know who I am and why I’m here. I thought I could do it all. It all seemed like good stuff, noble even, but I was quickly burning out. I was in trouble, but seriously in denial.
When my beautiful girl Christy was diagnosed with brain cancer, priorities quickly changed. Treatments, trips to hospitals, tests, medicines, diets that had to be planned and managed; these were all now my life. I soon became the best caregiver that I could be. I researched, I asked questions, I prayed for a miracle healing. I loved my girl as best as I could while I was dying on the inside knowing I was losing her. I think I did a pretty good job despite this and loved her well. Christy left this world loved and treasured. I am extremely thankful for the time I could spend with her and can even see that the time I had put in studying and into our business early on allowed me to be with her extensively during these precious moments. Regretful and thankful all at the same time. Funny how life works.
A year and a half later, I find I really don’t quite know who I am, but I am sensing that I am being guided by a essence of extreme love that never leaves me. My heart aches and my mind wanders, but I am moving forward. I am a marathon runner, a guitar player, a cyclist, a business owner, a writer, a Dad, a grandpa, a friend, a brother, but mostly a man after the heart of God. I am not willing to settle for anything less than knowing completely the fullness of God’s love. This love that has consistently overwhelmed me both in life and in death is what gives me hope and the courage to take the next step. And I must say, each step freaking hurts! But this love is at my core, my heart, my soul. I can’t give up! I know this is where my true identity is found!
Doug