I could not have imagined how difficult life would be from any other point aside from today. Each day, I have continued to do something positive that will enable me to find strength to face a new day of uncertainty, pain, confusion along with the possibilities of emotional highs, spiritual encouragement and flat out “LOVE”! It is a roller coaster life ride that I sometimes can’t seem to want to handle. Today is one of those days. I’m tired, I’m hurting, I’m wanting to get off this life ride for awhile. My life is filled with loss, with frustration, with constant change and dissapointment. I can’t find a sustained peace. I know it is within my grasp as I do have access to that place in my heart that knows truth, that knows me, that provides all my needs.
I believe God is real and God is love and has what I desire, but today I can’t seem to know how to be. I’m reading, I’m praying, I’m meditating, I’m learning, I’m challenging, I’m being changed as I’m coming to a deeper knowing of life, but it is a place of simultaneous negative and positive emotions and realities. I feel loved more than ever and I feel like I love deeper than I ever knew I could, but at the same time I feel judged, hated, abandoned and lonely. I miss Christy every day and my grief is surely not helping me to enjoy life. It is, though, requiring an abandonment of my superficial ways of handling everything myself and thinking I can just push through, push aside or totally ignore my pain and forcing me to seek truth or cease to find life. I do choose life, I do want life, I want to experience a life full of joy and peace.
These are some raw emotions I am choosing to share publically. It is my hope that my sharing on this blog may connect my heart with those who read my words and provide a space for thoughts and prayers of healing, wholeness and life. My writings are my prayers of love to you who read this. I do feel connected and alive as I write and share my heart. I am loved. I do know this!
Doug