On January 11th, 1990 I took my last drink of alcohol and my life since has seen both miraculous blessings and heart stinging loss. Today I celebrated 21 years of sobriety and 54 years of life on this earth. That birthday in 1990 was a bad one, as I had hit rock bottom and wanted so desperately to find life, but I didn’t think it was possible. My angel that night was a State Trooper who finally, after much belligerent behavior, arrested me and started me on my path to recovery. I truly feel if I had not been arrested, I would not have made it out alive.
6 months into recovery at a Sunday school class I met and soon married a beautiful young woman named Christy. We both were looking to find our true purpose in this life as we both had been broken and taken out by our choices in life to that point. We raised my 3 children and loved each other well. We grew in our knowledge of a loving and forgiving God and our hearts were opened to new hope and new life. We worked hard to overcome the wounds of our destructive pasts, some wounds self inflicted, some not chosen. We began to see an ability develop in us to love ourselves and to love others. As we yearned and sought to truly know the heart of God, dour love for one anther grew and it never stopped growing. We traveled and we were active; hiking, biking, walking, weight training. We loved being together. We were grandparents and looking forward to more grandchildren and more travel. Then life dealt us a different plan.
December 2007 brought us the first sign of a brain tumor. Our lives for the next 26 months would be drastically changed. Seizures, chemo, radiation, surgeries, CT scans, MRIs, Temodar, keppra, Cleveland Clinic, Hope Lodge, nausea, fatigue, the list goes on and on, these became our new terms, our new focus. Although we tried to do as many of the normal things we loved, many were now just a memory. Thoughout all of it though, I can truly say I never loved Christy more. She gave me hope that even though life presented crappy circumstances, we could still find hope and still share a love that can only come from deep within. We were indeed connected deep in our hearts. We were one. When Christy died, my heart was deeply wounded as I lost my heart connection to my best friend, my life partner.
January 12th, 1991 we were marriend and tomorrow would have been our 20 year anniversary. What I am discovering in my healing is that my heart has not lost that connection. It is still there and always will be. Because of our deep love, my heart has grown and has expanded its ability to love even more. I am experiencing a newness, a freshness that I have never experienced before. I really feel I’m being molded, truly in the potter’s hands. My relationships are being refined and renewed. I am learning to really love myself and this is freeing me more and more to love others for who they are, where they are, right here, right now. Love changes everything. I am living proof! I am alive and I am thankful. I will live today, I will love today, each day, one day at a time.
Peace,
Doug