As every month clicks by, I am finding life without Christy is really hard, but I’m doing it and I think I’m doing really well most days. Last night was hard as I dreamed of Christy and relived her death. It wasn’t what I want to dream, but it happened and it was quite difficult to feel the feelings all over again. When Christy took her last breath in her mortal body, my heart truly broke. I can’t explain the pain, but it is such an intense force of deep, deep loss. I felt that again last night. Very vivid, very real, yet at the same time, very unreal. I mean, nothing was familiar, except Christy, our old Ford Explorer and the seizures. I hated those damn seizures! They would steal our hope and remind us of the monster inside. In my dream, the seizures seemed to be a focal point with the final one finding me holding her in my arms. At that point I woke up sobbing. It still makes me cry as I write this. I miss you so much Christy Joy!
My life may not look like I had planned (a life without Christy), but I am finding new hope each day. Like manna in the desert, I will continue to pray for healing and strength each new day and trust that I will receive what I need one day at a time.
My new life is one of straddling both the old and the new, truly living in the void, seeking life with everything in me, while holding onto memories from a chapter of life that truly enabled me to live and possess the strength and love that I have for life today. It is a hard place to be, yet a place I’ve been prepared in advance to indwell. I’m thankful this day.
Blessings,
Doug