When Christy and I first found out about her cancer, I could not begin to fathom what life might be like without my best friend. I come into each new day hopeful, but more days than I’d like to admit, I’m disappointed and truly sad. I am also having difficulty, at times, finding the desire to exert myself to find meaning and fullness of life. Six and one half months and I miss Christy more each day. My wound is still bleeding heavily and it can literally suck the life force right out of me. I’m working, running, writing, reading, getting therapy, praying, singing and reaching out, but I still feel like I’m so far from peace. It can be quite frustrating!
The title of this blog, “Things will never be the same”, rings so true. Everything in my life has a new look and feel. Much of it involves pain and healing. I’ve had to re-evaluate my entire way of life: relationships, friends, family, church, beliefs, habits and desires. Basically, my entire purpose for being here. My life is so familiar in some ways, but so unfamiliar at the same time, which is both scary and exciting. I’m really sure I’m on the right path one day and feel totally lost the next. Actually, that can be from hour to hour some days.
But, I know I am definitely a work in progress (definitely a hopeful statement) and at this moment, I am fairly confident I can and will find my way if I can just find one small piece of hope to hold on to, one moment at a time (coming across the scene in the above picture provided a moment of such hope). I am not giving up now and I will never give up on life. I may get angry, sad, frustrated and feel unsure, unsafe or even a bit depressed, but I do know somehow, someway, that I am being held. That there is a great love beyond my understanding, beyond the pain. That love sustains me and gives me hope even as I write these words and I am so very thankful……..
Blessings,
Doug