I can’t describe the deep pain that sometimes hits me. Today was one of those times when it seemingly came out of nowhere. I was just ending up my work day and catching the last out of the Red’s game, when I caught a glimpse of my girl in a picture of the two of us at my daughter’s wedding reception. Even though Christy isn’t here in the physical way she was, I still feel her very close to me most of the time. But, then there are the times I feel she is quite far from me and there I know that life will never go back to where it was. Looking at that picture took me to one of those painful times. Those are the times that I feel I can’t breath, I can’t rest, I can’t do anything but cry. I long for her. I long to touch her and hold her. I loved taking care of her. I loved being held by her. Our hearts were indeed one. I miss her terribly.
I am trying to live and love, but at times, it is so difficult. I am healing and I am finding peace, but I also fear I am more broken than I realize. I fear that I may not be capable of loving that deep ever again. I pray that is not true as I feel I have much more love to give and much more love to receive. I just know it. Help me Jesus. Help me navigate this rocky road, with its many turns, sharp rocks and slippery slopes. This life is indeed an adventure and a journey that sometimes I don’t care much to be a part of. But, experience has shown me time and again that God has a way of using this hurt to reveal a side of himself that can light up my heart in such a marvelous and life changing fashion. God, I’m needing you now!!
Blessings,
Doug