As I have just passed the 5 month mark of Christy’s death and I am looking at what would have been Christy’s 51st birthday on August 3rd, I am finding that I am missing her more and more. I remember her surprise birthday party at Bravo last summer. She warned me that she didn’t want to be surprised, but loved it when she was. I really had a hard time convincing her that Bravo was a good place to eat without giving away the surprise. It seems like yesterday and at the same time, it seems like so long ago. All my memories of her seem that way.
I still can’t believe she is gone. It seems so unreal at times. It is such a frustrating feeling, knowing that I can’t hold her or converse with her or laugh with her. My years with Christy were beautiful years. We grew together is so many ways. We were such good friends. I am indeed such a blessed man to have had her for almost 20 years. I surely thought we would grow old together. But, I trust that God knows best and I trust that he will bring healing to me.
I do feel that I am in the midst of a battle for my heart. I know that God has my best in mind, but I also know that there is a force that doesn’t want that for me. I am growing stronger as I continue to battle with the weapons that have been placed before me. These are weapons of truth, wisdom, courage and strength yielded within a shroud of love. Love is the key! Love is what changes hearts. God is love. Love is God. When I love deeply and fully, I am connected to God, to Christy, to humanity! My heart is full when I love. My countenance is one of love, of light shining into a hurting world. The world I am in, my reality, my relationships, that which God has entrusted to me to share love, his love through me as he uniquely created me to do. We are all capable of such a great love as we are connected to the ultimate source of love, Jesus! We see the world differently, we see through the walls that people have built around their hearts. We see them as God sees them and we are changed, they are changed! This love is my hope! This love will save me! This love will give me purpose! The purpose for which I was created. Even in the midst of great pain and great loss.
Blessings,
Doug