The pain, the pain of losing a piece of my heart, at times seems impossible to bear. I sometimes want to shutdown as the pain is almost paralyzing. Or, at times, I will get the desire to drive away into the vastness with no plan, no destination, no time restraints. When the pain hits me, it seems to be hitting me harder these days. I can feel that the numbness is slowly leaving me and exposing the rawness of my heartache. When it hurts, it hurts bad and I feel I am in a fight for my life. Thank you God, that you have buffered the pain and slowly allowed me to take in the enormity of this loss in such a caring and loving manner. I feel your love, my Jesus, more than ever. You are my comforter, my sustainer, my light, my heavenly, my rock, my anchor.
I don’t feel like this all the time and actually feel like life is worth it (the pain). That the pain has a purpose and is actually making me stronger and enabling me to slowly pull back the curtain more and more to see the beauty of a grand plan, an epic story of love in which I have been a part. I feel freedom is just around the corner. Freedom to live fully, to love fully, to see life even clearer, to see God clearer, to fully experience my part in God’s epic love story. FREEDOM!!!! Christy has found this freedom and I know she is fully alive, fully free, fully experiencing the love of God! I can’t fully have what she now has, but I can experience as much as is possible in this earthen vessel! I want this more than anything!
I love this scene (see link below) from the movie Braveheart, where William Wallace proclaims that freedom is worth the risk of leaving the known, the comfortable, even risking one’s life. While I am not on such a visible battlefield, I feel the battle for my heart is just as real. The enemy wants me to lose heart, to be paralyzed, to drive away, to risk nothing and thus allow the lessons of death to not produce life, but more death. I’m hurting and wounded, but I will fight. I will not give in to the voice of hopelessness. Instead, I will continue to seek out life, love and truth with everything I have in me and surround myself with those who will hold me up, carry me and even fight for me when I am too weak. Love is a choice shown in the actions of a beautiful lover….My Jesus! 
Blessings,
Doug