Lonely, but not alone

I’ve really struggled with this at times. I am so not use to living in my house without Christy. Every room, every turn, I’m reminded of her. We bought our house in 1993 and have made many improvements over the years, so this is our house. I love that, but it is also hard when I get that sinking feeling inside. I want her to be here with me so strongly, not just in memory or in my heart, but physically here. I want to hold her and feel her touch and hear her voice. I miss my honey.

Now, I must say, it has gotten a bit easier. I am leaning hard into the grieving; not trying to avoid the memories which elicit the feelings and it is helping. When I run, I think of Christy. When I play my guitar, I think of Christy. When I pray, I think of Christy. We had a night of worship at our church last night and I really felt connected to her. It was hard, yet beautiful at the same time. I love it that even now, when we are not physically together, our hearts are still so strongly bonded. My longings are indeed quite deep.

I am lonely, but I am not alone. I feel her presence. I feel God’s presence. Lately, I have been feeling a calming peace that is unexplainable and it comes just when I need it most. I have hurt so bad at times, but have found if I just let it happen and not try to ignore the feeling, that is when the peace will come. For the past 20 years, I have sought to put my full hope is the things of God. I have experienced love in such a profound and ever renewing, ever deepening way. I have read the words of peace, spoken through the words of Jesus and the disciples, but it is just now that I am truly experiencing this peace.   And damn, if it is not right smack in the middle of the most crushing blow in my life! I surely would not have chosen to lose Christy to find true peace, but there it is. The things of God are so unexplainable and uncontainable. I am lonely, but I am not alone! Thank you Jesus!

Blessings,

Doug