Things will never be the same

I cannot believe how hard life is. I thought I had a pretty good handle on most things. I knew life without Christy would be difficult, but I really had no clue. I see her, feel her and yearn for her every day. Sometimes I can embrace the thoughts, the memories and feel peace. Other times, I feel totally lost and hurt. This life all seems so surreal. I feel like I’m walking in a dream, an illusion. I think the matrix may be real in a sense. I didn’t fully understand life, blessings, pain, loss, joy, long suffering until brain cancer entered my world.

I now am finding a deeper yearning to know why I’m here, what my designed purpose truly is. Basically, to connect fully with my creator and know the face of love more intimately than I ever thought or knew was possible. I long to know the true face of Jesus. The Jesus who loved from every pore while on this earth and loves today from a place within each of us. Freely giving, freely accepting, fully forgiving even the worst of us. I desire to be whole, to be healed, to be fully known and fully free. I am in pursuit or so it seems??? I think it more accurate that I am being pursued

I surely don’t understand why it must be this way, but I’m trusting this is the way, right through the middle of pain. Seems a bit counter intuitive yet reasonable at the same time. God seems to work that way so I’m going to trust it, embrace it and see where it goes. Today, I am hopeful and feeling loved and I am thankful.

Doug

This Friday will be the 9 month mark of Christy’s departure from this earth. I cannot believe time is moving so quickly. I am so not pleased with God at this moment. Call me selfish, but I just can’t find life fully complete without her. As I am trying to deal head-on with the hurt in my heart, I am remembering all the family and friends that have been taken from my life. Cancer, heart attacks, tragic accidents have taken some very significant people from me. It is no wonder I struggle so much to feel and to fully love. I’m hurt and I’m angry and I’m afraid to love too deeply. I just can’t stand the pain of losing one more person.

Today, another person who touched my life, Jen, passed away from the ravages of brain cancer. Jen fought a beautiful fight and inspired many along the way. I met her through the Tug McGraw Foundation at the Country Music Marathon this past year. She was a brain cancer survivor extraordinaire and also a marathon runner. She called me before the marathon and shared her story with me. I was proud to meet her and run with her and for her in Nashville. Thank you Jenny!

I am sad at this moment as I know the pain of loss and I know the struggles to come with making sense of such a loss.Somehow, I pray that comfort and healing will be provided.  Deep inside, I know that we all will be OK. Today though, peace is hard to fathom. My heart is hurting, but I must find light in this darkness!

Another first is coming fast and that is Thanksgiving. Last Thanksgiving was difficult as Christy was very weak and struggled the entire 4 day weekend. This year, I am a bit lost as I search for thankfulness in the midst of loss. I will be running an 8K on Thanksgiving morning in memory of Christy as our first Thanksgiving together in 1990 we ran this same race together. In the rain, we ran the entire 8K together and finished hand in hand! I remember this so well. Such a beautiful memory Christy Joy!

I will continue to find healing and strength through running, writing, music and loving as best as I can. I know I am covered by a beauty and love far beyond my comprehension. A love that knew me before I was ever known in this world. A love that will complete me and fulfill me in perfect timing. My hope is secure!

Doug

I cannot believe the love and beauty that I ran into in New York City this past weekend. I have been training for months to run this marathon to honor my Christy and bring hope to the many who are and have been experiencing the traumas of brain cancer. For me, the training has been a healing agent as it has given me a way to fight back. To do something to make a difference and to share the deep love and respect I have in my heart for those whose lives have been affected by this monster.

I ran for love and I ran into love in a big way. I experienced the heart of Team McGraw in NYC and it moved me deeply. I am so blessed to have these beautiful people in my life. I cannot describe the fullness of this love in words alone, but I know each one knows what I am saying here. My heart was held this weekend by so many as I held many hearts myself. I could not help but be moved to tears over and over again. I met new friends and bonded deeper with those whom I met in Nashville. I met Steve and his beautiful family as they came to be a part of the team. Steve has brain cancer and is fighting a beautiful fight. His heart is beautiful and he reminded me so much of Christy. So positive, so courageous, so loving and strong. At 56 he got is first tatoo “Ya Gotta Believe” on his forearm. How can I not run for this man. How can I not give my all. I must!

As I said, my emotions were really out there, from the time we arrived at the hotel and were greeted by Kevin, Jeff and Genvieve with such love, I knew something special was happening. The gathering on Saturday at California Kitchen was such a time of heart sharing for those we love and hold so dearly. As each person shared a little of their journey to becoming a marathon runner for those they loved, the room was filled with such beauty. Jeff closed with reading a beautiful letter from our inspiring and courageous friend Jen, a brain cancer survivor and team runner. Leaving that place, we all knew without a doubt, we were here for a purpose so much bigger than the marathon. We were truly on sacred ground for a sacred purpose.

Meeting the next day at 5:00 a.m. we began our journey. Arriving at the runners village it was very cold and the wait was long. I remember the plane with the message “Live in the moment”. Through chattering teeth, I surveyed the surroundings and tried to take it all in. the sights, the sounds, the big screen, the national anthem, the start, the cheers as the runners began crossing the bridge. I couldn’t wait to run! I wanted to experience everything I was supposed to experience, to learn, to receive. There was a small group of us sticking together making our way to the UPS trucks and the start corrals. We were all feeling the enormity of the moment. We hugged and wished each other good luck. Katie hugged me and prayed with me, giving me a very special gift that I wore around my neck. I cannot tell how beautiful these moments were.

Finally, it was time to run! The bridge run was long, windy and cold on the lower level, but the view was incredible. Elvis was running with us. A good sign for sure! Finally out in the sun I started to get into a good pace. I felt good and the streets of Brooklyn were packed with people cheering us on. I was really moved by all the enthusiasm. Lot’s of G2 and water. Porta Pottys were a pain to have to wait for, but when ya gotta go, you gotta go! 13, 14, 15 miles down and I still felt good. At mile 16 -17 got some good medicine seeing my Christy’s smiling face in the midst of Team McGraw beauties (thank you Lynn for the heart gift). Katie had just made it through their hugs when I came up and we ran off hand in hand, such an awesome and beautiful moment!!!! Heather soon joined us and the 3 of us pushed forward. I soon found these girls to be my angels who would get me to the finish as I started getting a severe muscle cramp in my right leg. Had to stop around mile 21 for medical attention to get the cramp relieved enough to keep going. My girl Heather stayed with me and after walking a short distance, I was able to start running again. Slow, painful steps for the last few miles. I was moved to tears as my thoughts were on the cancer survivors who where going through so much every day. My pain was so temporary, I had to keep going. At mile 25, I was so moved to see Christy’s smile face once again! I needed to see her, what a gift! Thank you again Lynn, you are amazing! As we had previewed the finish line the day before, I knew I was close. Heather made sure I was OK and then let me run the final 500 yards on my own. Crossing that finish line was such a beautiful moment. I will not forget the tremendous amount of love I felt in that moment. All the training, the lonely miles, the pounding was all worth it. I knew I had been a part of something very special, a sacred time in a sacred space for such a time as this!

We followed up with a celebration party at Foley’s Irish Pub. A good way to end a beautiful day. It was wonderful to finally have a big, juicy hamburger!

Team McGraw, I love you all so much! You all have been such a part of my healing. You believe in me, you love me, you see me. I am honored to run along side of each of you in this fight for life. I saw beauty in such a life changing way this past weekend. Thank you for that. God willing, I look forward to the events ahead that we can once again honor those who have and are fighting so hard. Such a gift to be able to give to those we love!

Thanks to all who supported me and Team McGraw at the NYC marathon. Your financial support, your prayers, your encouragement, your love is so appreciated and was so needed! I am such a blessed man.

Doug

Today is the 8 month mark of Christy’s last day here with us and I have certainly found life to be a tremendous challenge during these past months. The peaks can be extraordinarily high (I have experienced a few) and the valleys incredibly deep (lots of these). I thought I had experienced much of that before this past year, but I really didn’t have a clue. I’ve experienced a love, so pure, so strong through a time that brought me to a broken place that I literally felt would kill me. What is amazing to me is the ability of the human spirit to find home, even in the darkest moments. And home to me is where I find truth in who I am and who I was created to be, a resting place where I know I am loved so fully, so perfectly. I have experienced some of the darkest moments of my life this past year and yet, I still have hope, I still find that life has meaning and a purpose for my being here. That to me is amazing!

I do often ache for a “do over” with Christy. To be able to enjoy just being with her one more time. Her presence gave me peace and assurance that I was capable of loving in a manner that brought both growth and joy. I loved Christy with everything in me, a love that I never thought I had the capacity for before we met. We both came from broken places, searching for change. We sought together new hope and new life and in this quest our hearts were made alive and full of love for life and for each other. Our deep hearts, created for love, were made aware of a perfect love given as a gift and a blessing long before we were ever conceived. Crazy to think about, but I believe this fully. Christy and I experienced this love and it changed us. It is in this love that I can go on.  I can hope, I can love, I can dream of experiencing joy again. If we were not created to love and to be loved like this, then what is the point? How can we go on with such tragedy all around us?

There is a perfect plan, I know this, although I’m really not too pleased to let go of such a beautiful piece of my life. But, I am so very content in knowing Christy is now completely whole, complete in perfect love, no cancer, no limitations, fully alive.  I can only imagine the beauty, the feeling of being fully held by such a perfect love, a complete overwhelming of all our senses to a degree indescrible in this realm. I want to join her, but not yet! I still feel I have much to do here, much to learn and much to live for. I am a blessed man, even though it hurts………

Doug

As every month clicks by, I am finding life without Christy is really hard, but I’m doing it and I think I’m doing really well most days. Last night was hard as I dreamed of Christy and relived her death. It wasn’t what I want to dream, but it happened and it was quite difficult to feel the feelings all over again. When Christy took her last breath in her mortal body, my heart truly broke. I can’t explain the pain, but it is such an intense force of deep, deep loss. I felt that again last night. Very vivid, very real, yet at the same time, very unreal. I mean, nothing was familiar, except Christy, our old Ford Explorer and the seizures. I hated those damn seizures! They would steal our hope and  remind us of the monster inside. In my dream, the seizures seemed to be a focal point with the final one finding me holding her in my arms. At that point I woke up sobbing. It still makes me cry as I write this. I miss you so much Christy Joy!

My life may not look like I had planned (a life without Christy), but I am finding new hope each day. Like manna in the desert, I will continue to pray for healing and strength each new day and trust that I will receive what I need one day at a time.

My new life is one of straddling both the old and the new, truly living in the void, seeking life with everything in me, while holding onto memories from a chapter of life that truly enabled me to live and possess the strength and love that I have for life today. It is a hard place to be, yet a place I’ve been prepared in advance to indwell. I’m thankful this day.

Blessings,

Doug

As I reflect on this life journey, I am finding a pattern, a repeating process. One that includes failure, loss, pain on one side and hope, renewal, excitement on the other. But, enveloping it all is this great sense of LOVE. I have experienced so much of each side. I pray for less pain and more hope, but it seems I must experience the pain in order to experience the hope. Not exactly the way I would have liked hope to come, but it seems so very logical to me. If we don’t experience pain and loss, how can we experience the hope that comes to us in our darkest times?

As I am preparing for my first marathon, I have experienced pain and doubt as I have had to push my body to its limits, yet as I continue to work a disciplined plan one day at a time, I’m running farther than I thought possible and I have renewed hope that I will indeed be able to run the 26.2 miles on race day. My entire life requires the same discipline in order to experience hope that I can indeed run the life race before me. I must follow a healthy plan in order to face and work through the pain associated with this life and only then will I be able to find the strength, courage and faith to hope. I’m continually working on the plan, open to seeing, hearing and feeling new possibilities, new insights and fresh revelation of heart gifts I never knew where there.

I am open and willing to be examined fully without reservation. I desire to learn and grow from this place of pain and change. If I don’t choose this path, I lose hope and if I lose hope, I have nothing and life has no purpose. I know deep in my soul, even on the darkest days, that life does have purpose. I am here for a reason and I was created in love for love with a most incredibly unique and purposeful design. Today, I will do my best to remember the love that is entrenched in my deep heart.

Blessings,

Doug

When Christy and I first found out about her cancer, I could not begin to fathom what life might be like without my best friend. I come into each new day hopeful, but more days than I’d like to admit, I’m disappointed and truly sad. I am also having difficulty, at times, finding the desire to  exert myself to find meaning and fullness of life. Six and one half months and I miss Christy more each day. My wound is still bleeding heavily and it can literally suck the life force right out of me. I’m working, running, writing, reading, getting therapy, praying, singing and reaching out, but I still feel like I’m so far from peace. It can be quite frustrating!

The title of this blog, “Things will never be the same”, rings so true. Everything in my life has a new look and feel. Much of it involves pain and healing. I’ve had to re-evaluate my entire way of life: relationships, friends, family, church, beliefs, habits and desires. Basically, my entire purpose for being here. My life is so familiar in some ways, but so unfamiliar at the same time, which is both scary and exciting. I’m really sure I’m on the right path one day and feel totally lost the next. Actually, that can be from hour to hour some days.

But, I know I am definitely a work in progress (definitely a hopeful statement) and at this moment, I am fairly confident I can and will find my way if I can just find one small piece of hope to hold on to, one moment at a time (coming across the scene in the above picture provided a moment of such hope). I am not giving up now and I will never give up on life. I may get angry, sad, frustrated and feel unsure, unsafe or even a bit depressed, but I do know somehow, someway, that I am being held. That there is a great love beyond my understanding, beyond the pain. That love sustains me and gives me hope even as I write these words and I am so very thankful……..

Blessings,

Doug

I sure never believed life would be so different in such a short while. I remember everything so vividly, yet it seems so long ago at times, almost like a dream. I have never been tested so hard in my entire life. Alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, bad marriages, custody battles, strained relationships, illness, death of my parents. Nothing has been so difficult to understand, make sense of or accept as the death of my sweet girl. But somehow, I am continuing to get new glimpses of hope and life. I have had all the head knowledge of heaven for most of my life, but with Christy’s cancer and death, I am being shown heaven in my heart. I’m knowing with certainty that heaven is so much more than what I could have ever imagined. As I reach through the pain of Christy’s physical absense and open my heart to what God is showing me through the ache, through the sometimes overwhelming longing to hold her, I am being given a sense of “more”. A new awareness of life, of connectedness. Not only with God, but with Christy, with people around me. I am truly beginning to see and feel the words of Jesus ringing true in such a real and penetrating way. I have seen glimpses of what I’m attempting to describe before for brief moments, but never to this degree. I am being changed by a love so deep, so perfect, so beautiful. I know God is healing my brokenness and I know there is so much more that God is going to reveal to me in time,  one step at a time, one day at a time. We are never outside of the realm of God. We are loved deeply today, exactly where we are, exactly as we are. Such a love for such a time as this!

Blessings,

Doug

I can’t describe the deep pain that sometimes hits me. Today was one of those times when it seemingly came out of nowhere. I was just ending up my work day and catching the last out of the Red’s game, when I caught a glimpse of my girl in a picture of the two of us at my daughter’s wedding reception. Even though Christy isn’t here in the physical way she was, I still feel her very close to me most of the time. But, then there are the times I feel she is quite far from me and there I know that life will never go back to where it was. Looking at that picture took me to one of those painful times. Those are the times that I feel I can’t breath, I can’t rest, I can’t do anything but cry. I long for her. I long to touch her and hold her. I loved taking care of her. I loved being held by her. Our hearts were indeed one. I miss her terribly.

I am trying to live and love, but at times, it is so difficult. I am healing and I am finding peace, but I also fear I am more broken than I realize. I fear that I may not be capable of loving that deep ever again. I pray that is not true as I feel I have much more love to give and much more love to receive. I just know it. Help me Jesus. Help me navigate this rocky road, with its many turns, sharp rocks and slippery slopes. This life is indeed an adventure and a journey that sometimes I don’t care much to be a part of. But, experience has shown me time and again that God has a way of using this hurt to reveal a side of himself that can light up my heart in such a marvelous and life changing fashion. God, I’m needing you now!!

Blessings,

Doug

As I have just passed the 5 month mark of Christy’s death and I am looking at what would have been Christy’s 51st birthday on August 3rd, I am finding that I am missing her more and more. I remember her surprise birthday party at Bravo last summer. She warned me that she didn’t want to be surprised, but loved it when she was. I really had a hard time convincing her that Bravo was a good place to eat without giving away the surprise. It seems like yesterday and at the same time, it seems like so long ago. All my memories of her seem that way.

I still can’t believe she is gone. It seems so unreal at times. It is such a frustrating feeling, knowing that I can’t hold her or converse with her or laugh with her. My years with Christy were beautiful years. We grew together is so many ways. We were such good friends. I am indeed such a blessed man to have had her for almost 20 years. I surely thought we would grow old together. But, I trust that God knows best and I trust that he will bring healing to me.

I do feel that I am in the midst of a battle for my heart. I know that God has my best in mind, but I also know that there is a force that doesn’t want that for me. I am growing stronger as I continue to battle with the weapons that have been placed before me. These are weapons of truth, wisdom, courage and strength yielded within a shroud of love. Love is the key! Love is what changes hearts. God is love. Love is God. When I love deeply and fully, I am connected to God, to Christy, to humanity! My heart is full when I love. My countenance is one of love, of light shining into a hurting world. The world I am in, my reality, my relationships, that which God has entrusted to me to share love, his love through me as he uniquely created me to do. We are all capable of such a great love as we are connected to the ultimate source of love, Jesus! We see the world differently, we see through the walls that people have built around their hearts. We see them as God sees them and we are changed, they are changed! This love is my hope! This love will save me! This love will give me purpose! The purpose for which I was created. Even in the midst of great pain and great loss.

Blessings,

Doug