Things will never be the same

I wrote this for another brain cancer awareness website and wanted to share it here also.

In 1991, I met and fell in love with a beautiful girl named Christy Joy. I was sober for the first time and a single parent of 3 small children. Christy stepped in and provided the motherly love my kids needed and together we pursued growth, healing and life. Christy was my best friend and companion. We traveled; we hiked, biked and loved our life, our friends and our family. We loved to be together and loved each other deeply. Our marriage was satisfying and beautiful; we thought we would grow old together, but life had other plans.

In December 2007, Christy had a day of weird episodes where she felt like she was in a dream. These lasted for seconds at first, but continued to escalate in length and intensity. She had no control over these. We decided to cancel our plans for that Friday evening and stay home and take it easy. If the strangeness didn’t stop, we would go to the hospital. Well, a full blown seizure got us to the ER shortly thereafter. After many tests and many guesses in the course of a week, we were sent to the Cleveland Clinic for further testing. Another week passed, with the same results of no answer. They sent in a neuro oncologist at the end, but ensured us this was only a precaution. Well, he had no doubt what the problem was and gave us his thoughts on what was occurring. At that point, hearing brain cancer didn’t sink in. We just wanted to go home and after 6 days in the hospital, we were out of there and on the road home in no time.

Our life became one of blood tests, MRIs, seizures, trips to Cleveland and a couple of biopsies, the last of which, in June 2008, gave us the diagnosis: stage 3 antiplastic astrocytoma. At least we knew at that point what we were fighting and radiation and chemo were the next options. We were hopeful and confident that we could beat this. After 3 weeks of whole brain radiation, quality of life was dramatically changed as Christy was physically drained and although her beautiful heart was present, she was increasingly frustrated with her ability to think. She had to give up her role with our company (we started our own computer consulting company in 1999). She felt like she was letting me down. I found new things that she could do to help her feel like a contributor.  Even these became more and more difficult. We tried to live as normal a life as possible, taking walks when we could and even traveling to our favorite vacation spot in Tennessee, but the cancer was always present and always found a way to interrupt our moments of peace and happiness.

We hoped, but we sensed our time together was fast coming to an end. We began to discuss the end and her last wishes. She told me I was going to need a new suit. She wanted a celebration of her life, not a funeral. She wanted her body to be cremated and her ashes spread in the mountains of Tennessee. We loved it there and hiked often. These were intimate conversations and although difficult, brought us even closer together. I loved Christy so deeply in these last days.

After a beautiful evening of great food and close friends and family on Thursday, the next day brought the beginning of the end. Christy began to get more and more fatigued and just wanted to rest and sleep. On Saturday she closed her beautiful blue eyes. After a week of praying, singing to her, reading to her and holding her in my arms each day, on February 19^th, 2010, Christy took her last breath. As I listened to her heart beat for the last time and in the silence that followed, my own heart was forever broken.

I loved Christy with everything in me and I miss her so very much. We (beautiful friends and family) traveled to Tennessee and hiked to Mt. Leconte on a beautiful, clear Mother’s day and spread her ashes per her request. A time in life I will never forget. I have since been running half and full marathons for the Tug McGraw foundation (Team McGraw) to raise money and awareness for brain cancer survivors and caregivers. I am writing, cycling, playing the guitar and pursuing health and relationships with a newness and freshness, but life is a struggle each and every day. I miss my girl! My life has been turned upside down and inside out. I truly will never be the same.

Doug

Here I am, another day to find more of who I am. I feel I’m learning almost daily how to live this life. I know I have been extremely blessed, even as I consider the loss of so many loved ones. I so terribly miss Christy and I miss my mom and dad. I feel so very lonely at times, but I am certain I will see them again and I’m certain that reunion will be way beyond cool! I can’t wait, but not yet. I have much yet to do here, this I somehow know.

I’m just scratching the surface of a new experience of love, a love from deep within. A love that has always been, but not fully realized. This is a love that is allowing me to really love me, Doug! I have always been very critical of myself, expecting perfection in the midst of impossible choices and situations. I have been driven to prove something to myself, but not sure what that is and so I strived toward a goal that I did not know and even though I didn’t know, I felt I was not reaching it and thus would be disappointed with myself. A little crazy for sure!

I do seem to have found the real goal that my heart longs for and I am digging deep  to find the love that breathes life and I am allowing that love to soak in and as I do,  I’m being healed. I am so very grateful for this realization of love and I am learning to stop and be present in the moments of life, the time and space where true love lives. I am also remembering back to very specific moments in time where I breathed the breath of life, these were sacred moments in  my life journey leading me toward the knowledge of who I am and to the truth that I am loved deeply and completely. There have been many such moments. I have been incredibly blessed to experience what I have experienced in my 54 years. Although I don’t fully understand, I do feel that life on this earth in these bodies is so precious. There is no time to waste as I know the deep love at the core of my being must be realized fully. The divine in me yearns to connect to the divine in others in order to expand this reality of true love. For God so loved the world!

Blessings,

Doug

Today has been a good day. I slept in, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and I’m sitting under some beautiful shade trees in my backyard reading, writing and praying. I am at peace with where I am. I am thankful for this peace as I  flat out miss Christy and I have struggled to find sustained peace in my life without her.

Life has been difficult, but not in a way that I would have ever thought. My difficulties are not the struggles of my past, but the struggles with heartache, with facing my feelings (some for the first time in my life), with loving myself. I thought getting sober was difficult, but this stuff is just plain crazy! I do indeed have so much to be thankful for as my life has been blessed by new relationships, new revelations and new hope, but I do struggle at times to remember. Fortunately, I know deep in my being, the creator of the universe loves me unconditionally! That is pretty darn amazing and very real to me as I reshape my life without Christy.

It has been just over 15 months since Christy’s death and it feels like 15 years at times, yet at times I feel her so close as if she was just in the other room. This can be both amazing and sad. Kind of a crazy ride, but it is my part of my journey, part of my reality.

I do feel great hope that the turn to life and joy is present today. Yesterday was a great indication of that as my house was filled with real joy as a sortof inpromptu cookout came after church bringing singing, laughter and beauty. Thank you Lynn, Darlene, Bob, Julie, Wil, Jenni, Michael, Maria, Morgan, Luke and Natalie for bringing such love and happiness to my home! If a house could smile, it was indeed smiling!

Today, I am so grateful for life and I know that I am loved. Today, I will live in this day, this moment as that is all I have, but it is enough! Blessed beyond measure.

Peace,
Doug

As I contemplate the memories of this past weekend, I find that I am most certainly moved  by the love that I experienced. I cannot fully comprehend how such beauty can arise out of such pain, but it is indeed undeniable. I really wasn’t sure how I would feel coming back to Nashville for the second time to run with Team McGraw, but by Thursday I began to get a glimpse as my spirit moved me to tears just thinking about it. I was returning to the city where I first ran a half marathon to honor my Christy, where I first met a group of people that would soon become my closest friends. It was where I first met in person and shared a stage with a beautiful young woman named Jenny, who would impact my life in such a positive way. I sensed something very special would again manifest itself.

The ride down was filled with beauty as the skies were clear and the hawks were soaring! I just know Christy has a hand in sending these beautiful birds across our paths. The natural beauty of Kentucky and Tennessee in the freshness of spring brings about such an inner peace and majestic awareness of something much greater than ourselves. I’ve traveled these roads many times and I never cease to be awed by this beauty.

Arriving in Nashville, the first stop was the runners expo at the convention center. We were fortunate to arrive early in the afternoon and thus missed the big crowds. It was a bit surreal coming back here and there were definite feelings of sadness mixed in with excitement. Getting a bag of freebies from the exhibitors, stopping at the Starbucks in the Renaissance Hotel and relaxing on their comfy couches was quite nice.

The Lowes Vanderbuilt hotel was such a perfect place to stay and provided the perfect space for the Team McGraw pre-race pasta party (Genvieve thank you) . It was a time to reconnect with old friends and  to meet new friends. The food was excellent, but what would follow was a gift from heaven. As we introduced ourselves and shared our reasons for running, I felt in awe as we were in the midst of such a sacred gathering. Each story shared from hearts carrying the relentless pain of loss, the determined  courage to fight, the unfathomable love brought about a holy moment in time and space that I won’t soon forget. The tears were healing and the oneness was apparent.

Gathering in the morning in the lobby, we were delighted to see that Jeff was able to make it and help coach Kevin ensure that we all made it through. These men are amazing people and I love them both deeply. We trekked it the short distance to the parthanon and met up with the rest of our team for pictures, hugs and chanting of “Ya gotta believe”. I have never before experienced such a oneness, a unity of spirit, than I have with Team McGraw. I am so honored to be joined with such a group. This group from all across the US, from different backgrounds, religions and generations. We are all one in love and purpose. It is just beautiful!

The run itself was quite a challenge with sunny, warm and humid conditions and of course, the hills! Personally, I battled shin splints for several miles, on and off knee pain and a quad muscle getting quite tight toward the end. Each time I wanted to give in to the discomfort, I remembered why I was running and what I was experiencing was temporary and  this battle over physical pain was small in comparison to what Christy went through. I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t give up….one stride at a time…I kept running and finally the 13 mile mark was in sight and the finish line soon to be crossed. I ran as hard as I could to the finish. I cried….

I ran into love this past weekend. I was changed and healed a bit more. I am loved and I am blessed. TEAM McGraw I love you all! Ya Gotta Believe!

Doug

I am loved. I am indwelled by love. I am a channel of love. Do I believe this? More and more I do and the more I do, the more I feel alive. The more I feel alive, the more I desire to love myself and others. It is such an incredible circle of life. And I do desire life and wholeness. I am working hard to find this life one day at a time. I am a child of God and I am created to love and to be loved.

As I ponder who I am in the midst of grief and the new life I still haven’t figured out. I am finding the strength and courage to trust this life will once again illumine joy in my heart. I get glimpses as Dad and Pappaw. I get glimpses as I find life in recovery and through my  friends, both old and new. I get glimpses as I run mile after mile along the river, seeing the beauty of creation, hawks gracefully soaring. I sense the universe leading me toward beauty beyond my imagination.

I hurt today. I hurt most days, but I am beginning to truly realize the depths of the love that has held me, not only throughout the past year, but throughout my entire life. In this painful place, this place of loss, I am examining my heart and I am exposing the darkness to the light. The negative lies I have believed about myself are losing their power. The dark cannot exist in the light. In fact, it never existed. Darkness is but an illusion, a deception to my true identity. I am love because I AM loves me!

Peace,

Doug

I could not have imagined how difficult life would be from any other point aside from today. Each day, I have continued to do something positive that will enable me to find strength to face a new day of uncertainty, pain, confusion along with the possibilities of emotional highs, spiritual encouragement and flat out “LOVE”! It is a roller coaster life ride that I sometimes can’t seem to want to handle. Today is one of those days. I’m tired, I’m hurting, I’m wanting to get off this life ride for awhile. My life is filled with loss, with frustration, with constant change and dissapointment. I can’t find a sustained peace. I know it is within my grasp as I do have access to that place in my heart that knows truth, that knows me, that provides all my needs.

I believe God is real and God is love and has what I desire, but today I can’t seem to know how to be. I’m reading, I’m praying, I’m meditating, I’m learning, I’m challenging, I’m being changed as I’m coming to a deeper knowing of life, but it is a place of simultaneous negative and positive emotions and realities. I feel loved more than ever and I feel like I love deeper than I ever knew I could, but at the same time I feel judged, hated, abandoned and lonely. I miss Christy every day and my grief is surely not helping me to enjoy life. It is, though, requiring an abandonment of my superficial ways of handling everything myself and thinking I can just push through, push aside or totally ignore my pain and forcing me to seek truth or cease to find life. I do choose life, I do want life, I want to experience a life full of joy and peace.

These are some raw emotions I am choosing to share publically. It is my hope that my sharing on this blog may connect my heart with those who read my words and provide a space for thoughts and prayers of healing, wholeness and life. My writings are my prayers of love to you who read this. I do feel connected and alive as I write and share my heart. I am loved. I do know this!

Doug

This has been the most difficult year of my life. I cannot begin to write just how surreal this whole year has been. I remember hearing my girl’s heart stop beating. At that time, I felt both relief and great sorrow. I believe that love won and cancer had lost, but my best friend, my soul mate had made the transformation and I was left behind. My world would never be the same. How could I ever be happy without her? How could I do this? Indeed, it has been hard. At times, I’ve found it almost impossible to find the motivation to want to live. Most times though, I have found hope that life and love is absolutely possible. I am a survivor and I am finding my way through the pain, one day at a time, sometimes one second at a time. I am finding healthy ways to express and feel my pain. I will live and I will find peace and joy again. I do know this with everything in me!

I am blessed to have had 19+ years with such a beautiful, unique piece of Jesus named Christy Joy Ellis! God’s light shined brightly in this beautiful girl! She inspired me to want to be a better man, a better husband. I loved loving her and being near her. We encouraged one another to find more, to be who we were created to be and truly seek the desires of our heart.  To love is to desire the spiritual maturation of another and out of that love develops such a oneness, such a bond, one that can never be broken. Death cannot and has not broken our bond. Love has truly won!

I miss you Christy, but I feel you close. I am finding that there is indeed a thin veil that separates us. I know in my heart that the love of God encompasses all and the Spirit lives within me, therefore the closeness, the breath of your essence that I hold dear is real and tangible. I feel your prayers of encouragement to hold on and know that the pain of life produces a deep knowing of the creator of life. I know you came to know this truth as your days here were coming to a close. What we were able to share together in those last days was precious. Time did slow down and we were able to experience such a deeper love, our hearts fully meshed, allowing the fullness of life to flow in, even in the midst of death. As I remember that last week. I remember this overwhelming love that held us both. Even though, you couldn’t talk or open your eyes, I knew when I crawled in that bed each day, we were holding each other. I love you forever my girl!  

Doug

January 19th marked 11 months since Christy’s departure from us. It seems so much longer. I am fighting daily to find balance as I am moving forward, yet not wanting to let go. As time has passed though, I am finding the ability to feel the pain and  push through the pain, not letting it take me out as it so often did in the past.  Getting back to recovery has helped me tremendously. I am once again, working a 12 step program and going to meetings. I have not had a drink in 21 years and I haven’t had thoughts of drinking again, but I have had similar feelings of frustration that have made me realize, recovery is a lifelong plan for fully becoming who I was created to be. Life’s journey is full of hardships, but also full of beauty. I am looking for and finding more and more beauty, not only today, but throughout my whole life. Recovery helps me to remember, there is still beauty in the midst of pain and that I truly have been given an abundance of beauty.

On January 12th,  Christy and I would have celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. We had a video made on that day and for the past 11 months, I had not been able to find it. I really feared it lost. On my birthday, January 11th, I was moving some file folders and out popped the video! I was so surprise and so happy to see that video. On our anniversary date, I watched the video and not only did I see my Christy, but I also saw my Mom (Katie), My Dad (Dave), my stepmom (Diane), Christy’s Grandma (Helen), Grandpa (Sherman) and Grandma (Thelma). All had gone before and I am sure all welcomed Christy to heaven! I am so thankful for that video at this time in my life. I felt such peace and such a sense of blessing through seeing all of them in one room smiling, laughing and full of life. Such a joyous gathering on that day in 1991. Thank you God!

I am continuing my support of the Tug McGraw foundation in 2011 and will be raising funds and running  2 half marathons and 1 full marathon. My heart is fully connected to this team of incredible individuals who display such courage, hope and beauty. I have been healed, loved, encouraged and given such a unique opportunity to also give back that which I have received through my participation with Team McGraw. Such a gift!

Today is a gift of life. Today I am grateful. Today, I will live!

Peace,

Doug

On January 11th, 1990 I took my last drink of alcohol and my life since has seen both miraculous blessings and heart stinging loss. Today I celebrated 21 years of sobriety and 54 years of life on this earth. That birthday in 1990 was a bad one, as I had hit rock bottom and wanted so desperately to find life, but I didn’t think it was possible. My angel that night was a State Trooper who finally, after much belligerent behavior, arrested me and started me on my path to recovery. I truly feel if I had not been arrested, I would not have made it out alive.

6 months into recovery at a Sunday school class I met and soon married a beautiful young woman named Christy. We both were looking to find our true purpose in this life as we both had been broken and taken out by our choices in life to that point. We raised my 3 children and loved each other well. We grew in our knowledge of a loving and forgiving God and our hearts were opened to new hope and new life. We worked hard to overcome the wounds of our destructive pasts, some wounds self inflicted, some not chosen. We began to see an ability develop in us to love ourselves and to love others.  As we yearned and sought to truly know the heart of God, dour love for one anther grew and it never stopped growing. We traveled and we were active; hiking, biking, walking, weight training. We loved being together. We were grandparents and looking forward to more grandchildren and more travel. Then life dealt us a different plan.

December 2007 brought us the first sign of a brain tumor. Our lives for the next 26 months would be drastically changed. Seizures, chemo, radiation, surgeries, CT scans, MRIs, Temodar, keppra, Cleveland Clinic, Hope Lodge, nausea, fatigue, the list goes on and on, these became our new terms, our new focus. Although we tried to do as many of the normal things we loved, many were now just a memory. Thoughout all of it though, I can truly say I never loved Christy more. She gave me hope that even though life presented crappy circumstances, we could still find hope and still share a love that can only come from deep within. We were indeed connected deep in our hearts. We were one. When Christy died, my heart was deeply wounded as I lost my heart connection to my best friend, my life partner.

January 12th, 1991 we were marriend and tomorrow would have been our 20 year anniversary. What I am discovering in my healing is that my heart has not lost that connection. It is still there and always will be. Because of  our deep love, my heart has grown and has expanded its ability to love even more. I am experiencing a newness, a freshness that I have never experienced before. I really feel I’m being molded, truly in the potter’s hands. My relationships are being refined and renewed. I am learning to really love myself and this is freeing me more and more to love others for who they are, where they are, right here, right now. Love changes everything. I am living proof! I am alive and I am thankful. I will live today, I will love today, each day, one day at a time.

Peace,

Doug

Yesterday marked 10 month’s since my Christy left this world. It was an emotional weekend as my Christmas tree and decorations were put in place for the season. I wasn’t sure, I even wanted to put up a tree, but I felt compelled and encouraged to do so. I am glad it is up as it really does brighten up my house and helps me to remember the beauty that is here to see and experience. I need the love, the joy and the magic of Christmas more than ever.

I so cherished the memories of last Christmas as Christy was so happy to able to enjoy it all and I was so happy that she was still with us. Last Christmas was such a gift! This year is going to be such a contrast, such a change, but Christy’s love is strong in my heart and that brings me hope that this Christmas will also be special.

Yesterday was also a tough day as my cousin Sandy died from complications of lung cancer treatment. She was my first cousin on my Dad’s side and we were very close. I got to visit her the day before Thanksgiving and we had such a beautiful time together reminiscing and sharing our struggles. We prayed together and felt such a peace that we both so needed. Sandy was such a beautiful loving person who cared deeply for her family. She was indeed a special gift and I will miss her.

Death is coming at me strong as I have seen 2 uncles, my stepmother, my wife and now my cousin all die in the last 14 months. This is hard! I don’t know how to do this! The grief can be overwhelming at times as I watch my family slowly wither away. Oh and did I mention both my parents died in 2001 and 2002 and my aunt Ginger (Sandy’s mom)  shortly after that. This is so, so hard. God, give me strength and courage to keep going and to trust that you know what is best.

Doug