Things will never be the same

As every month clicks by, I am finding life without Christy is really hard, but I’m doing it and I think I’m doing really well most days. Last night was hard as I dreamed of Christy and relived her death. It wasn’t what I want to dream, but it happened and it was quite difficult to feel the feelings all over again. When Christy took her last breath in her mortal body, my heart truly broke. I can’t explain the pain, but it is such an intense force of deep, deep loss. I felt that again last night. Very vivid, very real, yet at the same time, very unreal. I mean, nothing was familiar, except Christy, our old Ford Explorer and the seizures. I hated those damn seizures! They would steal our hope and  remind us of the monster inside. In my dream, the seizures seemed to be a focal point with the final one finding me holding her in my arms. At that point I woke up sobbing. It still makes me cry as I write this. I miss you so much Christy Joy!

My life may not look like I had planned (a life without Christy), but I am finding new hope each day. Like manna in the desert, I will continue to pray for healing and strength each new day and trust that I will receive what I need one day at a time.

My new life is one of straddling both the old and the new, truly living in the void, seeking life with everything in me, while holding onto memories from a chapter of life that truly enabled me to live and possess the strength and love that I have for life today. It is a hard place to be, yet a place I’ve been prepared in advance to indwell. I’m thankful this day.

Blessings,

Doug

As I reflect on this life journey, I am finding a pattern, a repeating process. One that includes failure, loss, pain on one side and hope, renewal, excitement on the other. But, enveloping it all is this great sense of LOVE. I have experienced so much of each side. I pray for less pain and more hope, but it seems I must experience the pain in order to experience the hope. Not exactly the way I would have liked hope to come, but it seems so very logical to me. If we don’t experience pain and loss, how can we experience the hope that comes to us in our darkest times?

As I am preparing for my first marathon, I have experienced pain and doubt as I have had to push my body to its limits, yet as I continue to work a disciplined plan one day at a time, I’m running farther than I thought possible and I have renewed hope that I will indeed be able to run the 26.2 miles on race day. My entire life requires the same discipline in order to experience hope that I can indeed run the life race before me. I must follow a healthy plan in order to face and work through the pain associated with this life and only then will I be able to find the strength, courage and faith to hope. I’m continually working on the plan, open to seeing, hearing and feeling new possibilities, new insights and fresh revelation of heart gifts I never knew where there.

I am open and willing to be examined fully without reservation. I desire to learn and grow from this place of pain and change. If I don’t choose this path, I lose hope and if I lose hope, I have nothing and life has no purpose. I know deep in my soul, even on the darkest days, that life does have purpose. I am here for a reason and I was created in love for love with a most incredibly unique and purposeful design. Today, I will do my best to remember the love that is entrenched in my deep heart.

Blessings,

Doug