Things will never be the same

As every month clicks by, I am finding life without Christy is really hard, but I’m doing it and I think I’m doing really well most days. Last night was hard as I dreamed of Christy and relived her death. It wasn’t what I want to dream, but it happened and it was quite difficult to feel the feelings all over again. When Christy took her last breath in her mortal body, my heart truly broke. I can’t explain the pain, but it is such an intense force of deep, deep loss. I felt that again last night. Very vivid, very real, yet at the same time, very unreal. I mean, nothing was familiar, except Christy, our old Ford Explorer and the seizures. I hated those damn seizures! They would steal our hope and  remind us of the monster inside. In my dream, the seizures seemed to be a focal point with the final one finding me holding her in my arms. At that point I woke up sobbing. It still makes me cry as I write this. I miss you so much Christy Joy!

My life may not look like I had planned (a life without Christy), but I am finding new hope each day. Like manna in the desert, I will continue to pray for healing and strength each new day and trust that I will receive what I need one day at a time.

My new life is one of straddling both the old and the new, truly living in the void, seeking life with everything in me, while holding onto memories from a chapter of life that truly enabled me to live and possess the strength and love that I have for life today. It is a hard place to be, yet a place I’ve been prepared in advance to indwell. I’m thankful this day.

Blessings,

Doug

As I reflect on this life journey, I am finding a pattern, a repeating process. One that includes failure, loss, pain on one side and hope, renewal, excitement on the other. But, enveloping it all is this great sense of LOVE. I have experienced so much of each side. I pray for less pain and more hope, but it seems I must experience the pain in order to experience the hope. Not exactly the way I would have liked hope to come, but it seems so very logical to me. If we don’t experience pain and loss, how can we experience the hope that comes to us in our darkest times?

As I am preparing for my first marathon, I have experienced pain and doubt as I have had to push my body to its limits, yet as I continue to work a disciplined plan one day at a time, I’m running farther than I thought possible and I have renewed hope that I will indeed be able to run the 26.2 miles on race day. My entire life requires the same discipline in order to experience hope that I can indeed run the life race before me. I must follow a healthy plan in order to face and work through the pain associated with this life and only then will I be able to find the strength, courage and faith to hope. I’m continually working on the plan, open to seeing, hearing and feeling new possibilities, new insights and fresh revelation of heart gifts I never knew where there.

I am open and willing to be examined fully without reservation. I desire to learn and grow from this place of pain and change. If I don’t choose this path, I lose hope and if I lose hope, I have nothing and life has no purpose. I know deep in my soul, even on the darkest days, that life does have purpose. I am here for a reason and I was created in love for love with a most incredibly unique and purposeful design. Today, I will do my best to remember the love that is entrenched in my deep heart.

Blessings,

Doug

When Christy and I first found out about her cancer, I could not begin to fathom what life might be like without my best friend. I come into each new day hopeful, but more days than I’d like to admit, I’m disappointed and truly sad. I am also having difficulty, at times, finding the desire to  exert myself to find meaning and fullness of life. Six and one half months and I miss Christy more each day. My wound is still bleeding heavily and it can literally suck the life force right out of me. I’m working, running, writing, reading, getting therapy, praying, singing and reaching out, but I still feel like I’m so far from peace. It can be quite frustrating!

The title of this blog, “Things will never be the same”, rings so true. Everything in my life has a new look and feel. Much of it involves pain and healing. I’ve had to re-evaluate my entire way of life: relationships, friends, family, church, beliefs, habits and desires. Basically, my entire purpose for being here. My life is so familiar in some ways, but so unfamiliar at the same time, which is both scary and exciting. I’m really sure I’m on the right path one day and feel totally lost the next. Actually, that can be from hour to hour some days.

But, I know I am definitely a work in progress (definitely a hopeful statement) and at this moment, I am fairly confident I can and will find my way if I can just find one small piece of hope to hold on to, one moment at a time (coming across the scene in the above picture provided a moment of such hope). I am not giving up now and I will never give up on life. I may get angry, sad, frustrated and feel unsure, unsafe or even a bit depressed, but I do know somehow, someway, that I am being held. That there is a great love beyond my understanding, beyond the pain. That love sustains me and gives me hope even as I write these words and I am so very thankful……..

Blessings,

Doug