Things will never be the same

I sure never believed life would be so different in such a short while. I remember everything so vividly, yet it seems so long ago at times, almost like a dream. I have never been tested so hard in my entire life. Alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, bad marriages, custody battles, strained relationships, illness, death of my parents. Nothing has been so difficult to understand, make sense of or accept as the death of my sweet girl. But somehow, I am continuing to get new glimpses of hope and life. I have had all the head knowledge of heaven for most of my life, but with Christy’s cancer and death, I am being shown heaven in my heart. I’m knowing with certainty that heaven is so much more than what I could have ever imagined. As I reach through the pain of Christy’s physical absense and open my heart to what God is showing me through the ache, through the sometimes overwhelming longing to hold her, I am being given a sense of “more”. A new awareness of life, of connectedness. Not only with God, but with Christy, with people around me. I am truly beginning to see and feel the words of Jesus ringing true in such a real and penetrating way. I have seen glimpses of what I’m attempting to describe before for brief moments, but never to this degree. I am being changed by a love so deep, so perfect, so beautiful. I know God is healing my brokenness and I know there is so much more that God is going to reveal to me in time,  one step at a time, one day at a time. We are never outside of the realm of God. We are loved deeply today, exactly where we are, exactly as we are. Such a love for such a time as this!

Blessings,

Doug

I can’t describe the deep pain that sometimes hits me. Today was one of those times when it seemingly came out of nowhere. I was just ending up my work day and catching the last out of the Red’s game, when I caught a glimpse of my girl in a picture of the two of us at my daughter’s wedding reception. Even though Christy isn’t here in the physical way she was, I still feel her very close to me most of the time. But, then there are the times I feel she is quite far from me and there I know that life will never go back to where it was. Looking at that picture took me to one of those painful times. Those are the times that I feel I can’t breath, I can’t rest, I can’t do anything but cry. I long for her. I long to touch her and hold her. I loved taking care of her. I loved being held by her. Our hearts were indeed one. I miss her terribly.

I am trying to live and love, but at times, it is so difficult. I am healing and I am finding peace, but I also fear I am more broken than I realize. I fear that I may not be capable of loving that deep ever again. I pray that is not true as I feel I have much more love to give and much more love to receive. I just know it. Help me Jesus. Help me navigate this rocky road, with its many turns, sharp rocks and slippery slopes. This life is indeed an adventure and a journey that sometimes I don’t care much to be a part of. But, experience has shown me time and again that God has a way of using this hurt to reveal a side of himself that can light up my heart in such a marvelous and life changing fashion. God, I’m needing you now!!

Blessings,

Doug