The Battlefield
July 25, 2010 in Uncategorized
As I have just passed the 5 month mark of Christy’s death and I am looking at what would have been Christy’s 51st birthday on August 3rd, I am finding that I am missing her more and more. I remember her surprise birthday party at Bravo last summer. She warned me that she didn’t want to be surprised, but loved it when she was. I really had a hard time convincing her that Bravo was a good place to eat without giving away the surprise. It seems like yesterday and at the same time, it seems like so long ago. All my memories of her seem that way.
I still can’t believe she is gone. It seems so unreal at times. It is such a frustrating feeling, knowing that I can’t hold her or converse with her or laugh with her. My years with Christy were beautiful years. We grew together is so many ways. We were such good friends. I am indeed such a blessed man to have had her for almost 20 years. I surely thought we would grow old together. But, I trust that God knows best and I trust that he will bring healing to me.
I do feel that I am in the midst of a battle for my heart. I know that God has my best in mind, but I also know that there is a force that doesn’t want that for me. I am growing stronger as I continue to battle with the weapons that have been placed before me. These are weapons of truth, wisdom, courage and strength yielded within a shroud of love. Love is the key! Love is what changes hearts. God is love. Love is God. When I love deeply and fully, I am connected to God, to Christy, to humanity! My heart is full when I love. My countenance is one of love, of light shining into a hurting world. The world I am in, my reality, my relationships, that which God has entrusted to me to share love, his love through me as he uniquely created me to do. We are all capable of such a great love as we are connected to the ultimate source of love, Jesus! We see the world differently, we see through the walls that people have built around their hearts. We see them as God sees them and we are changed, they are changed! This love is my hope! This love will save me! This love will give me purpose! The purpose for which I was created. Even in the midst of great pain and great loss.
Blessings,
Doug
Pam Kooser said on July 25, 2010
Hi Doug,
Isn’t it amazing how your day can start out with you possibly thinking, this is going to be a good day! He blesses us with a new day, new choices, new energy and then out of the blue BAM we feel the attacks. Sometimes they are hard to describe but it doesn’t feel good and you cry out to God to banish the evil one. Oh, if only this could be done permanently. But we know this isn’t possible because then we would not appreciate what we have and take so much for granted. As we have mentioned before all this just makes us stronger people. Look up to the light not down to the darkness. Sometimes we can’t see the light for the clouds but He is there always without fail 24/7. Our hand holder, the one who dries our tears that fill our heart to overflowing, the very best comforter we could ever have.
Blessings to you dear brother,
Pam and Dick
Lynn Galioto said on July 26, 2010
Well said AGAIN, Doug Ellis! You have such a beautiful way with words. Thanks for pouring your heart here on this blog for all of us to share. You are inspiring, for sure….and the LOVE in you is very evident. The love you experienced in her life and in her death has changed you. I can tell you embrace LOVE differently. You know it. You feel it. You LIVE it….beautifully. I’m proud of you.