Things will never be the same

As I have just passed the 5 month mark of Christy’s death and I am looking at what would have been Christy’s 51st birthday on August 3rd, I am finding that I am missing her more and more. I remember her surprise birthday party at Bravo last summer. She warned me that she didn’t want to be surprised, but loved it when she was. I really had a hard time convincing her that Bravo was a good place to eat without giving away the surprise. It seems like yesterday and at the same time, it seems like so long ago. All my memories of her seem that way.

I still can’t believe she is gone. It seems so unreal at times. It is such a frustrating feeling, knowing that I can’t hold her or converse with her or laugh with her. My years with Christy were beautiful years. We grew together is so many ways. We were such good friends. I am indeed such a blessed man to have had her for almost 20 years. I surely thought we would grow old together. But, I trust that God knows best and I trust that he will bring healing to me.

I do feel that I am in the midst of a battle for my heart. I know that God has my best in mind, but I also know that there is a force that doesn’t want that for me. I am growing stronger as I continue to battle with the weapons that have been placed before me. These are weapons of truth, wisdom, courage and strength yielded within a shroud of love. Love is the key! Love is what changes hearts. God is love. Love is God. When I love deeply and fully, I am connected to God, to Christy, to humanity! My heart is full when I love. My countenance is one of love, of light shining into a hurting world. The world I am in, my reality, my relationships, that which God has entrusted to me to share love, his love through me as he uniquely created me to do. We are all capable of such a great love as we are connected to the ultimate source of love, Jesus! We see the world differently, we see through the walls that people have built around their hearts. We see them as God sees them and we are changed, they are changed! This love is my hope! This love will save me! This love will give me purpose! The purpose for which I was created. Even in the midst of great pain and great loss.

Blessings,

Doug

We are born into this world without our consent, yet we were known before we were conceived and thus were given what we couldn’t possibly choose for ourselves…..life. Throughout our lives, we are given many more things without our consent or our choosing. These include both good and bad things. We tend to ignore or take for granted the good that is given to us, while we always give attention to the bad or what we think is bad. I do this, I think we all do this to one degree or another. These are mostly things we have no control over, even though we think we do. We really only have a choice in how we react or accept the things that come our way. Whether we choose to live or choose to shutdown. And I am not talking extremes here, such as suicide, I am talking about how we live our daily lives. We can be walking, talking, breathing and living the good life, but be dead. On the other hand, we can be in great physical, mental or spiritual pain and yet be fully alive. I am convinced we can be fully alive in both realms, good and bad, but only by choosing life at all times. And I really can say, I feel it is easier to choose life when things seem really bad. When I am forced to look at things from the simple choice of living or dying. Although the bad can be quite difficult, truly painful and seemingly hopeless at times, the choice to live in these circumstances produces a hope that is exponentially greater in the opposite direction. It seems when things are seemingly good, that the path to dying is more subtle and sometimes not known until devastation has reared its ugly head. And when this happens, make no mistake, it will bring great pain at some point, but pain that possibly could have been averted. The result can be the same, if the choice is to live, but I believe life can come without adding unnecessary pain. Pain in this world is a given, so I do not want to add to it.

Life is such a gift and we are here but for a short time. i believe we can taste the goodness and love of our creator’s intention for us if we choose to live each and every day that we are here. To live each and every moment by loving as he first loved us. Before we were ever known, he knew us and loved us. We are God’s special miracle to himself and to the world.  We can breathe life and change the path of another by bringing hope in the midst of extreme darkness. We can truly be world changers. Choosing life seems impossible at times and surely  is not easy, but it is attainable. I’ve tasted life in the midst of great pain and I’ve tasted life in the midst of great beauty. I want life, I want freedom. Today, I am praying for the ability to choose life in all circumstances, situations and relationships.

Blessings,

Doug

The pain, the pain of losing a piece of my heart, at times seems impossible to bear. I sometimes want to shutdown as the pain is almost paralyzing. Or, at times, I will get the desire to drive away into the vastness with no plan, no destination, no time restraints.  When the pain hits me, it seems to be hitting me harder these days. I can feel that the numbness is slowly leaving me and exposing the rawness of my heartache. When it hurts, it hurts bad and I feel I am in a fight for my life. Thank you God, that you have buffered the pain and slowly allowed me to take in the enormity of this loss in such a caring and loving manner. I feel your love, my Jesus, more than ever. You are my comforter, my sustainer, my light, my heavenly, my rock, my anchor.

I don’t feel like this all the time and actually feel like life is worth it (the pain). That the pain has a purpose and is actually making me stronger and enabling me to slowly pull back the curtain more and more to see the beauty of a grand plan, an epic story of love in which I have been a part. I feel freedom is just around the corner. Freedom to live fully, to love fully, to see life even clearer, to see God clearer, to fully experience my part in God’s epic love story. FREEDOM!!!! Christy has found this freedom and I know she is fully alive, fully free, fully experiencing the love of God! I can’t fully have what she now has, but I can experience as much as is possible in this earthen vessel! I want this more than anything!

I love this scene (see link below) from the movie Braveheart, where William Wallace proclaims that freedom is worth the risk of leaving the known, the comfortable, even risking one’s life. While I am not on such a visible battlefield, I feel the battle for my heart is just as real. The enemy wants me to lose heart, to be paralyzed, to drive away, to risk nothing and thus allow the lessons of death to not produce life, but more death. I’m hurting and wounded, but I will fight. I will not give in to the voice of hopelessness. Instead, I will continue to seek out life, love and truth with everything I have in me and surround myself with those who will hold me up, carry me and even fight for me when I am too weak. Love is a choice shown in the actions of a beautiful lover….My Jesus!

Freedom Speech

Blessings,

Doug

Today I am thankful. My life has indeed been blessed and saturated by the love of God through Jesus that I have witnessed first hand in the outpouring of love from those who have come beside me in my grief. And there have been so many! I am at a place of feeling and hope. I am feeling loved and that gives me hope and even more, it gives me the desire to love. I know though, that love is more than a feeling, it is a choice. I am choosing to love today. I am choosing to live today. Thank you my sweet Lord for this new day!

July 4th 2005

This weekend is another first, my first 4th of July since Christy’s death. Although, we really weren’t that big on fireworks, we did build some very good memories surrounding this holiday. I remember fireworks in Florida with our kids, my mother and stepfather. It was hot, sticky and lots of bugs, but we were together. I remember all the times at the park in Moraine, sometimes sitting in the rain. Sometimes the fireworks display wasn’t quite as spectacular as we would have liked and the traffic was a pain, but we were together, together with family and friends celebrating freedom and love. I’m not sure what I will do this 4th of July. My tendency may be to skip all the crowds and hoopla, but my heart tells me not to let my grief keep me from experiencing this holiday in a new way, while at the same time allowing an opportunity to remember the beautiful times Christy and I enjoyed together.

I know the firsts will continue to come and I will grieve them one at a time. I will do my best to hang on to the beautiful memories and not fear the feelings, emotions and aching in my heart that I know will come. I will fight to live and not let my grief keep me from living life fully, freely, enjoying all that God has and will bring into my life. I am wounded, but my wounds are healing and in the process my spirit is being nurished. I am a blessed man!

Blessings,

Doug