4 Months
June 23, 2010 in Uncategorized
It seems these days that time is being measured by both loss and gain. I have lost a beautiful companion and my best friend, but I have gained an ability to love that I didn’t know existed or that I was capable of giving or receiving. I can’t really explain how I feel today, but I do know that I have been and am being changed. I see the world differently. I see people differently. I see God differently and more clearly than ever. I am desiring to become more, to see more, to experience more, to be more vulnerable, to be more open to hearing and experiencing people’s stories.
I hurt, I cry and at times I feel so desperate to hold my sweet girl one more time. I am learning to allow these emotions and yearnings the freedom to permeate my being and wash my grief with my tears. When I can do this, I have experienced great relief and comfort and can almost physically sense a forward progress. I still tend to try and fend off these emotions as they just seem to want to show up, often times, in public places and my pride, many times, won’t let me go there. I am learning though, that I need to let go as often as I can. It really doesn’t matter if strangers see an emotional outburst or tears. Maybe they need to see it. I’m working hard on this one. Pray for me.
4 months this past Saturday. It is ironic that both Christy’s death and my father’s birth are the same date, February 19th. This picture of them together is so very precious as it represents to me a glimpse of heaven. I sure never thought this photo would have that significance when I took it. I am thankful for this gift. They are so beautiful together. I miss then so much. 
Although I struggle, at times I am feeling this incredible hope building in me. Hope that life is good. Hope that life is worth the pain. Hope that joy is just around the corner. Hope that love does win every time! God is indeed amazing! I am such a blessed man!
Blessings,
Doug
Pam Kooser said on June 23, 2010
Hi Doug,
Isn’t it amazing how pain can make us so weak, but at the same time so strong. It is good to let the feelings flow even when they smack you upside the head when you least expect it and you say dang where did that come from?!! Holding it in hurts more, it just shows you and anyone else that you are human and have feelings.
You are doing a great job, we love you!!!
Dick and pam
Cindi said on June 23, 2010
I know that God is using you as a witness to others… so if you need to breakdown where others see you, feel that GOD may use that to touch others. It is going to take much time to get to where you are meant to be and it will be in GOD’s time. He definitely has great plans for you.
Love you,
CIndi
Rhiannon said on June 23, 2010
I love you dad! I know its really hard. I miss her so much..
Debbie Graham said on June 23, 2010
Hi Doug,
You are such an amazing man! Your blog entries are so eloquent and moving. I appreciate you sharing your feelings with all of your family and friends. I think of Christy often and miss her dearly. Sometimes she will just pop in my head and I know that she is watching over me! I hope you will continue to allow us to share in your journey.
Love you,
Debbie
Lisa Lehr (Lohse) said on June 23, 2010
Thanks for shaing Doug, it is both inspiring and encouraging to hear your experience. Love from Iowa, Lisa
Debbie said on June 25, 2010
Doug, you are often in my thoughts, and the beautiful flowers bring memories of Christy… praying that you continue on this journey that the Lord has you on, and so happy that you are finding your “contentment” in Him, were you also find joy… not the temporary happiness so many seek here.
Love you much!
Deb Egloff said on July 21, 2010
Doug,
You truly are gaining insight that will bless you and bless others. Stay open to the promptings and let the process heal you…God is in the process as you are finding out.
deb