Things will never be the same

It seems these days that time is being measured by both loss and gain. I have lost a beautiful companion and my best friend, but I have gained an ability to love that I didn’t know existed or that I was capable of giving or receiving. I can’t really explain how I feel today, but I do know that I have been and am being changed. I see the world differently. I see people differently. I see God differently and more clearly than ever. I am desiring to become more, to see more, to experience more, to be more vulnerable, to be more open to hearing and experiencing people’s stories.

I hurt, I cry and at times I feel so desperate to hold my sweet girl one more time. I am learning to allow these emotions and yearnings the freedom to permeate my being and wash my grief with my tears. When I can do this, I have experienced great relief and comfort and can almost physically sense a forward progress. I still tend to try and fend off these emotions as they just seem to want to show up, often times, in public places and my pride, many times, won’t let me go there. I am learning though, that I need to let go as often as I can. It really doesn’t matter if strangers see an emotional outburst or tears. Maybe they need to see it. I’m working hard on this one. Pray for me.

4 months this past Saturday. It is ironic that both Christy’s death and my father’s birth are the same date, February 19th. This picture of them together is so very precious as it represents to me a glimpse of heaven. I sure never thought this photo would have that significance when I took it. I am thankful for this gift. They are so beautiful together. I miss then so much. 

Although I struggle, at times I am feeling this incredible hope building in me. Hope that life is good. Hope that life is worth the pain. Hope that joy is just around the corner. Hope that love does win every time! God is indeed amazing! I am such a blessed man!

Blessings,

Doug

Today is a new day and I will do my best to let it be what it will be. I will look for the beauty in all things. I will love people and give them space to be where they are, even when that comes out in the form of actions that tend to really annoy me! Just as many people I will encounter today (whether in the grocery, in my car on the road or anyplace else) don’t know me or what I am feeling or what I am going through, I also don’t know their story. Today, I am resolved to try and love and not be quick to dismiss them or negatively catagorize them.

I have been back to work full time for the last week or so. So far, so good. I feel as if this is a positive step for me as it is giving me confidence in myself that I can do the normal activities of life. My biggest fear with this is that I will become consumed with work (or it consumes me) and not do the things that have brought me healing thus far. I must continue to make the time to  read, write, play my guitars, run, ride my bike, share with trusted friends and especially grieve. As much as I want to find normality, I must let the process happen as it needs to happen, no shortcuts, no deadlines.

Life is beautiful and a gift that should never be taken for granted. I have experienced beauty in the midst of great pain and I am fully understanding that life is hard and full of pain and suffering. Yet,  there is such beauty to be grasped in the face of  pain and suffering. But, we must choose to embrace it and accept it and be willing to fight the ensuing battles against the forces that seek to destroy our hearts and thus, free our hearts to see and feel the beauty of life. Today, I am choosing to fight for life and beauty!

Blessings,

Doug

Beauty from heaven!

I must say that life is hard. I am fighting a constant pain, a constant hurt deep in my soul. Combine this with life and the pursuit of happiness (or whatever the people I encounter daily are pursuing) and emotions can really get to me at times. Usually the emotions come quite unexpected. After a beautiful day driving in the country this past Monday, a rather rude driver evoked some pretty strong anger from me. Just last week, mowing the grass, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with sorrow and started crying. I am learning this is normal in the greiving process and I am also finding that in the pain and through the release of emotions I am finding so much about who God created me to be. I am finding that I am so much stronger than I ever imagined.

This newfound strength is convincing me that  I am so loved, so supported, so incredibly gifted with a heart capable of such great love. I am finding I am a giver. A giver of hope, life and love. I am capable of giving love on such an incredible, indescribable level. I want to give. I want to provide hope to the hopeless, love to the unloved. This is why I am here. This is why I have survived such great loss. This is my purpose and my driving force. Surrendered to the love that has so wrapped my wounded heart!

I am hoping to find peace today. I am hoping to find joy today. I am hoping to find purpose today. I am loved and I can love. I will choose to love today. If I remain diligent in this pursuit, I will find those things I am hoping for. These are words of life. Today, I choose life!

Christy girl, I miss you so much, yet I am alive. I feel your love for me so very deeply. I thank God so very much for the time we had together. The time apart hurts, but I know I will see you again in heaven. Today the sun came up and I opened my eyes and I am still here. So, I will choose to live and to love! Oh, and thanks for the hawks!

Blessings,

Doug