Things will never be the same

Yesterday was the 3 month mark of Christy’s transistion from this world to the next. Seems like so much longer, but at times it seems like just yesterday. I can still feel her close to me. I can sense her warmth, her scent, the smoothness of her skin. She is still so much a part of me. I miss you Christy! I love you forever!

This past Sunday, a memorial service was held at Hospice of Dayton to honor those who have passed in the last 3 months. I was so moved by the beauty of the flowers, the words spoken and the collective hearts of all of us grieving the loss of our loved ones.  I placed a yellow rose in the vase at the front and shared in the microphone the name of my beloved wife, “Christy Joy Ellis”. I am so blessed to have had such a beautiful gift from God.

Last evening I went to a different widow/widowers group at Pathways of Hope. I felt like I was really ready this time and found the group of people to be very loving with all of us needing love and guidance through our hurt. I felt very comfortable with this group and the counselor. I will definitely go back.

I’m still trying to figure out life at this point. I’m  reading, writing, running, biking, playing my guitars. I am slowly getting back to working again. At times, it is hard to find motivation, but it always seems to come. I am seeking God with an open heart and mind, which is, so far, showing me an incredible love that is not only sustaining me, but lighting up my heart. I do feel sad, anxious and even depressed to some degree, but I also feel joy and peace working their way into my heart. Today, I am choosing to live and to love. I am trusting that God has his best ready for me, even when I can’t see through the tears. I am loved and I know it deep within my spirit.

Blessings,

Doug

Today is a good day! I feel as if I can go on. I feel hopeful and trusting that I can find joy again. I am feeling close to God, more than I ever have before. This life journey is epic indeed and I thank you Jesus for your compassion and your passionate love for me. I am seeing with new eyes and a new heart. You are freeing me from the chains of this world and the confines and limits of mankind’s wisdom. I am becoming who you created me to be.

The trip to Mt Leconte was a memorable time that I will never forget. Everything about the trip was amazing: our drive down and back, our accommodations, our hike, the weather, the hawks, the music, the presence of God and the closeness to Christy!

Hawks were soaring!

The drive down and back was filled with beauty as we saw hawks soaring everywhere. Christy loved to spot hawks as we drove around. We would mostly see them sitting in trees or should I say, Christy would see them as I would usually miss them. Call me crazy, but I know this was a sign from my girl that she was watching!

The day of the hike started early at IHOP (Christy loved to eat at IHOP on vacation) to fill up with some needed calories and a bit of caffeine for the long hike. We reached the trail head around 8:45, prayed and headed out! The weather was clear and cool with morning temps around 38 degrees. The hike was just full of so much beauty with something around every corner. The trail begins in the forest and offers a good warm-up opportunity before beginning to climb. We found out along the way that it was Seneca’s 30^th birthday! We sang happy birthday to him on the trail. There were several log bridges, steps, rocks, roots and cables to hold on the way up. Paige’s legs broke out in hives, but that didn’t stop her. I am so proud of my girls for toughing it out and pushing through the pain. They really inspired me and shined with a beautiful light of love! I am one blessed Daddy!

Blessed Daddy!

Finally reaching the lodge was welcoming as we saw a couple of deer and restrooms! Now, we just had .2 miles to go to get to the Cliff Tops. Another rocky, uphill climb, but what a spectacular scene at the top! The sky was so clear that day, unusually clear as noted by a couple of local hikers. We could see for miles and miles! Everyone made it!

Fulfilling this wish for Christy was difficult, yet I felt so honored, so close to her on this perfect day, Mother’s Day! As we all took part in spreading Christy’s ashes here in this beautiful place that God created, all felt right, all felt complete. I knew that my heart would continue to hurt, yet I experienced healing in these mountains through the love shown and felt and I know I will be OK.

Thank you Lord for our time with Christy!