Things will never be the same

Wow, my first marathon experience! I must say it was definitely something I want to do again. I cannot explain fully the emotions that I felt throughout the whole process. What an honor to be a part of Team McGraw and have the opportunity to serve other caregivers, cancer survivors and those who have lost loved ones as I have. I was so proud to honor my Christy and share our story with so many. Team Christy traveled to Nashville in force in support of Team McGraw and one another. We loved big and were loved big in return.

Friday night was an opportunity to meet some of our fellow runners at the Bowling for Brains get together. We enjoyed great food, bowling and live music. We were so welcomed by our new friends at Team McGraw. The love is just so beautiful and so needed. To be supported by others who have gone through or are going through the same experiences that you are is quite extraordinary. I received a  miniature guitar autographed by Tim McGraw as the top fundraiser, which is pretty ironic in that I have been playing the guitar daily for the past 8 weeks and even bought a new electric just last week.

Race day started early and with little sleep. I was so excited to meet more Team McGraw members and hear some of their stories. Runners with brain cancer, runners who have lost spouses and other loved ones; quite a team! The buzz at the start was amazing with thousands of runners starting before our corral. The course was quite hilly and difficult, but with lots of bands and supporters along the route and lots of prayer, I was able to keep my legs going. Our Team Christy supporters really lifted us up on miles 4 & 8, giving a nice adrenaline rush! Again, running with Team McGraw, we had supporters all along the course shouting encouragement. I was also blessed to share about Team McGraw and my beautiful Christy as runners would come beside me and ask about Team McGraw. I felt so close to Christy and so honored to share her love in this very tangible way. I know our whole team experienced many opportunities to share Christy’s story.

I was taxed mentally, physically and spiritually. At times I cried and felt deep sadness as we stayed in a place that Christy and I had vacationed many times before. The memories were so strong of our times together, that I could picture her almost everywhere we went. During the race, I felt her presence in the beauty of the surroundings; the sky, the city, the people. I prayed most of the time I was running. I can’t really describe the intense emotions, but I will not soon forget. I believe I received some healing this past weekend.

I was so proud of Team Christy as we all worked together; whether running, walking, yelling encouragement or providing transportation. We all carried our precious Christy with us in our hearts and I believe we really made an impact on Nashville. Thanks you Jesus for blessing me and allowing me to be a part of such a great love story!

Blessings,

Doug

Nashville is coming up quickly and I am beginning to get a bit nervous. I know the thought of the large crowds; the unknowns associated with doing something new are part of my nervousness. But, what I really know is that I (along with our whole entourage) will be facing some really huge emotions associated with Christy’s death.

I am still feeling like I’m barely hanging on at times and that life is very abnormal, even on-hold to a degree. I think the marathon is the next big emotional step in moving forward to finding “Joy” again. I am looking forward to feeling joy again, but I’m definitely apprehensive about feeling the deep pain. It is necessary and healing I’m sure, but nonetheless, scary!

Physically, I am ready for the 13.1 miles. My body feels good and I will be eating well and getting plenty of rest this week. Spiritually, I’m feeling closer to God than I ever have. I am seeing a new facet of his great love that I didn’t know existed. This love is sustaining me and allowing me to receive and give agape love from the depths of a hurt and sorrowful heart. It is amazing! Mentally, I’m fighting anxiety and a bit of depression, but I am fighting well, with healthy outlets and support from great friends and family.  I am looking for God to provide great healing this weekend as I know his presence will be thick. Pray and be a part of our journey!

Blessings,

Doug

Healing is such a difficult thing to obtain. I mean, it seems to be a never ending task. You think you’re getting there and then you find yourself totally decimated. Sometimes I look around and all I see is casualties everywhere. Everyone is wounded, bleeding and crying for help. It can be quite overwhelming as most are people that I love so dearly. I feel helpless at times. I feel like I want to help, but I just don’t have the capacity. I am learning something though. That God does care and God does answer prayer. I have no other answer for my strength and determination to not let my wounds keep me from not only helping myself, but running to the battlefield to help mend the wounds of my loved ones and any others God puts in my vision. In Monty Python’s, The Life of Brain, the black knight suffered huge wounding, but continued to battle, saying, “It’s only a flesh wound”. I will continue to battle for love, no matter how hard life hits me. People are worth it. Love brings life and freedom like nothing else. Jesus, free us today! Check this video: Healer

Blessings,

Doug

I had the priviledge to speak with a fellow Team McGraw runner yesterday, who is also a 7 year brain cancer survivor. She has been running marathons since her diagnosis and has batted hard against this disease. She has been through many surgeries and many treatments. She is a wife and mother and is full of life. She uplifted me yesterday (hard day) as we connected on a knowing level. As she shared about her treatments over the years, to include all the same treatments Christy went through, I was taken back to my caregiver role. I felt such love and empathy. I heard the same determination to live and the same joy, despite the cancer and what she is going through, that so filled my Christy. Thank you Lord for your love in such hard places!

I am so blessed to be a part of Team McGraw and Team Christy. Team Christy is indeed making an impact. We are strong and getting stronger. For the upcoming Country Music Marathon, we have raised over $5000 and Team McGraw as a whole, has raised over $18K. This is just the beginning! I’m so proud of all who are giving of their time and talents.

The Beauty of Life

Personally, I am physically stronger than I have ever been and I’m running easier every time. My heart is also being healed as I run. I know April 24th in Nashville will be a very emotional time. I’ve pictured crossing that finish line and it brings me to tears. We are so blessed to be a part of bringing hope and healing to the many who have and still are battling brain cancer. Oh, and by the way, I hate this disease so much! It seems that it is winning at times, but I still believe love wins! I saw love and life in Christy. I experienced love and life throughout her 2 year battle. I am struggling, but I am getting stronger, loving life more each day. I will fight for life. I will fight this disease. I will live big and love big. Brain cancer does not win, love does!

Blessings,

Doug

It has been 7 weeks now since my Christy left this world. I’m trying to gauge where I am in so far as my grieving goes and I really feel like I haven’t moved much. I still cry un-expectantly, I still ache in my heart for what could have been. I am comforted by the thought of my girl being in heaven with Jesus among the great cloud of witnesses, but I really miss her and want to be with her. I am feeling this loss more acutely as I think I’m coming out of the shock and numbness associated with Christy’s death.  I am finding it harder to look at pictures and relive memories as it just plain hurts. I’m not trying to gloss over this pain and face it as I know this is all part of the process. I still can’t believe she is gone!! I just can’t get a firm grasp of that reality. It is very frustrating…Jesus I need you today!

I am doing many things that help me: I’m still running, biking, playing guitar, singing, reading, writing, praying and praising God. I’m not hiding, but reaching out to my friends and family. I so need the love of the body! I can’t imagine being alone during such a hard time.

Even though it doesn’t seem like I’ve moved much, I do know that I have. I know deep in my heart that God has me and the prayers of the saints and the great cloud of witnesses, with my Christy right up front, cheering me on! I am covered, I am loved, I have hope, I have love, and I am such a blessed man!

Blessings,

Doug

Hebrews 12: 1-3

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Last night I attended an Easter play on the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. I know the story well, have attended and participated in plays of this type before, but somehow I was unprepared for the emotions that would tear at my heart. I so felt the sting of death as I watched Jesus struggling for breath and nearing that final breath. I am thankful the lights were turned out at that point. I really struggled with the taking down, covering and carrying off of the body. I was taken back to our living room during these scenes, remembering my Christy’s last breath and re-feeling the deep sorrow that overtook me.  Remembering the men from the funeral home taking out her body and how empty our home suddenly felt. I so identified with the disciples, Jesus’ family and his friends. It really, really hurts!

So today is Easter Sunday, a day of hope, celebration and family; a day in which I am choosing to reach out in love in hope of finding peace. I will not wait for love to find me today. It is a rescue of self and not waiting for a rescuer and I do need to be rescued today. I need to find hope and peace today. I am hurting, but I know I do have hope. Jesus did overcome death and that gives me hope as I picture my sweet Christy alive with Jesus. I wish I could physically see her, but I know that time will come. Until then, I will rest and be safe is his arms today.

Blessings,

Doug